Welcome to the fun

Welcome to the fun
Christmas Joy

Thursday, 30 June 2011

Day 16.- cock blocker the return

This blog was about last night as I am currently at a work do (actually in line for a tarot reading- my job is so hard) summer is probably at home talking to part time dad about world peace, how to cure world debt or most probably whether one should choose breast or chicken leg at Morley's.
So last night PT dad comes home after a hard night at the pub, he is spirited, we hug maybe a little longer than normal, unusualy he gives me the remote, he asks me if I want tea..we have a conversation...oh god...he wants sex! I smile nervously at him. Why now PT dad we were doing so well without it. I have my hairy legs you have babestation remember, go on put babestation on!, I will pretend I am tired and go to bed, my big lovely bed.
But i'm looking at PT dad and thinking god you must be desperate if you want me, unshaved from my lower back down and in a 3 week old nighty. Who am I to deny you my womanly pleasures, I move closer to him and start gearing myself up to satisfy/amaze.
Cut scene. ... Imagine Summer upstairs, tucked up in bed, her chubby features on pillow, her afro out and proud, dreaming of cats in make up, dogs in dresses and naturally some kind of wee/poo fantasy, when....sniff sniff, what is Summer smelling in the air?, hmmm pheromones, she gets flashing images of my womb filled with baby, worse a brother, a brother who will actually be allowed to grab mums boob at will. They shall not procreate on my watch!.
Back downstairs..
We hear the pitter patter off feet start and stop on the upstairs landing, we hold our breath, there it is again. PT dad is hoping she is just pooing in the bath and will take herself back to bed. Its quiet again so we resume awkward cuddle positions, then...pitter patter starts again and gets louder, and then there she is, still with her eyes closed sleep walking into the living room stood infront of us. We just stare waiting for her next move. she walks closer, shouts 'NO!' Then falls onto PT dad and goes straight into snoring on his lap as she gives me a little kick. Cockblocking in her sleep. Skills!
I pretend I am tired and take cockblocker upstairs, PT dad grabs the kleenex and starts the wait until babestation goes on air.

Night night x

Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Day 15 - Crack

I had to walk 1/4 of a mile with Summer. Usually a 15min walk. Today that took just over an hour.
She wasnt happy that we were walking in the first place so dwaddled behind me picking leaves,counting cracks in the pavement. I tried the trick of walking ahead in the hope that fear would set in and she would run after me. Summer couldnt give a shit. I was way down the road and she just sat down. I walked back got her by the hand and dragged her. She starts moaning and crying, protesting at being manhandled. Now people in the traffic queue are starting to stare. I let go and give her an incentive.
"Summer I have brought you something really exciting, but you can only have it if you're a good girl"
She starts walking, interested.."Ohh what is it?"
She is going to sprint home when she hears this, she's going to be good for at least 2hrs when she hears this!
"I am getting you a Wii" TADAAAAA! Yes Summer, a Wii!, love me, adore me, I am the best mother in the world. I have brought myself a Wii with Wii fit plus and pretended its for her and Summer will do as I say until that Wii arrives.
I look at Summer...she looks like someone has told her Super nanny is coming to stay. She's turning red, crying, shaking with rage walking back the way we came. This was not in my fantasy. "I want a Moshi Monster! Not a Wii! awwww my life is so bad" she flings to the ground in tears.
For those of you who havent been around a child recently a Moshi Monster is basically child crack, they are a small one pound figure thats a cross between a monster and an animal. Like crack Summer will turn tricks for a moshi, she will love you long time, beg,borrow and steal for a Moshi. The newsagent knows she's an addict and pushes them on her as soon as walks in the shop. When she has got her fix she is calm,chilled but the come down is hard and fast. Suddenly that Moshi wasnt enough she wants more ,needs more. Not even the thought of a games console is enough to get her off Moshi.
Its been ages since the stand off started and she is now sat on the pavement again, I'm tired,hungry ,I have nothing left. I do the worst thing a mother can do I offer to buy her a Moshi if she walks home. I'm practicaly one step away from dealing crack to my daughter. The strike is over, she jumps up and runs home. I have been defeated.
Completely unrelated but I just witnessed Summer eating a lime like it was a plum, she didnt even flinch. She is dead inside, I'm sure. Its the crack

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Day 14 - Stop!

I wouldnt be surprised if Summer thought her name was Summer Stop. If I had a pound for everytime a day I said Summer Stop! I would be laying in the caribbean with a tummy tuck, a hareem of toned young men fanning me sending Summer postcards at boarding school. Sadly I am yet to find a sponsor.
Summer Stop falls on deaf ears now, but yet I still say it like Stop will do something magical ..snap her into action ..she will put down her weapons,paint,dog,cat,sofa and see sense and cease to misbehave.
In the 2hrs I have been home it has been said over 8 times that I can recall
1-stop jumping
2-stop throwing afro combs at part time dad
3- stop calling the boy next door in the hope he falls out of his bedroom window
4-stop flooding the garden and pouring washing up liquid under the tap
5-stop watching TV on fastforward
6 stop! Don't pull that, the glass will...smash!
7 Stop touching your bits
8 please stop touching my boobs
Try the naughty step I hear you say. Oh we have, the bottom step which is thread bare, embedded with her buttock marks.
64 times once I had to put her back on it. I was too exhausted to hug her afterwards. She just gave me a high-five and congratulated me as she walked over my body straight onto finishing the destruction she had caused before.

Just before bed tonight Summer got her final 'stop'. I was having a wee, and Summer came rushing in desperate to go. I was mid flow and didnt want her re-wetting the carpet from Sunday. So she pulls down her pants sits on the edge of the bath and wees. Horrific I know , but needs must and all that. Were both weeing and chatting,a nice bonding time, when she goes quiet, she goes red. I look behind her...
'Summer Stop, no, no please stop"
"I cant" she looks pained
"Summer Stop! For the love of god Stttooooopppp!
It took me an hour to clean her crap out of the bath!

Monday, 27 June 2011

and another thing...

Another thing I remember from today's meeting was something hillarious the head teacher said. She was talking about her time at an inner city school teaching a reception class
"It was St. Davids day and all the little girls and boys were given a dafodill. Well at some point that day a child was found sticking a dafodill up anothers bum. To a child there just orifaces you see"
I, mouth open burst into hysterics picturing this fruity kid on all fours shorts down with a daff poking out of his rectum!
No one else in the room raised an eyebrow they all just tutted in agreement. How can u not laugh at that!

In other news, I caught summer trying to egg the boy next door on to jump out of his bedroom window. She failed.

Day 13- I dont think youre ready for this jelly

For the 5th time this school year I am sat in the headmistress office discussing Summer. Not for my daughters academic achievments but for her consistant innapropriate behaviour. She is not a bad kid in school. She works, she listens and plays. She doesnt fight,bully or destruct. What she does do is say the word Sex an awful lot and also dances inapropriately in movement to music classes.
 They have never seen such an erotic tree in a reception assembly.
Anyone who knows Summer knows that from a very young age you can liken her manner to that of busty blonde in a Carry on film. She didnt side step dance as a toddler, she bent over and slapped her behind, gyrated and basicaly got down low. I always thought that it was the Jamaican in her, the natural rythm passed through from her father, a cultural thing or that she could have come from gypsy stock.
"She seems to be very aware of her body and her movements are sexual"they said
"Maybe she is imitating her idol Beyonce and its all just innocent and only deemed as sexual dancing if one were say a peadofile?" Shit, have I just called the head a peado?
They scribble notes. Dont try and be smart! After 30mins of calling my daughter confident, spirited, socialy advanced (and not baby slut like they want to) They conclude that it is all Beyonce and or Rhianna's fault (phew!)and reccomend she should stop watching music videos and top up on some Tweenies.
How the hell do you stop a young woman of colour listening to RnB music? Its like strawberries and cream, jerk and chicken, rice and peas! You dont have one without the other! Summer is mixed race and there are some things that I cant control, things in her blood... such as having an instant distrust of the police, enjoying chicken bones, being able to move her head in agressive circular motions, kissing her teeth and dancing like a bad man!

As for her saying the word Sex a lot, thats my fault, I thought I would be a cool liberal mum and explain to her the birds and the bees when she asked what it meant. Summer found it hillariously disturbing and felt the need to hold an open debate about it in Milk time.
The trouble comes when she is dancing at the same time as saying the word- sex. The 2 innocent acts turns my daughter into a 5yr old lolita who is being exposed to adult content at home. I think anyone who read Day 11- cock blocker knows that is not the case here.

Sunday, 26 June 2011

Day 12 - In your face!

Summers home she was gone for a full 24hrs!

I regret opening the door.

I did initialy miss her, so gave her a good dose of affection, cuddling,kissing and a spot of tiggling for good measure.

At one point we were play fighting and I had her pinned down on the floor. She was squeeling in delight.
I took a mouthful off juice and squirted it on her, and told her it was wee. Oh mummy is so funny and naughty. Wee! Hahaha.

We settle down and go back to watching 'school of rock' i can see Summer out of the corner of my eye, milling around, taking her knickers off (standard behavior) ha ha School of Rock is funny, i like that fat kid...
Wooooah WTF is that? My face is wet..it tastes nasty, ...splat again! WTF?

She is throwing piss at me , she is peeing into her hand and chucking it at me. I'm horrified and impressed at her bladder control at the same time.
Shit..I'm running as fast as I can screaming 'this is unacceptable behaviour' she is chasing me shrieking with delight pausing to refill her hand.

I lock myself in the bathroom. She looses control and pisses on the hallway carpet.

That's all.

Saturday, 25 June 2011

Day 11 - cock blocker

Cock Blocking: definition: to purposfully block sexual relations from happening between 2 other people.

Summer has been a cock blocker from an early age. As a toddler she would physically pull part time dad and me apart if we dared to have a kiss and cuddle on the couch. Once ripped apart she would then jump on me and stick her tongue down my throat whilst giving PT dad a look of "yeah thats right I got your woman fool"
In the middle of the night Summer would climb into our bed and kick and kick until PT dad got out and slept on the sofa.

This is the way it has been for sometime. PT dad has babstation on the couch and i have a king size bed and havent had to shave or wax since 2008.

There are rare occasions of romance. Early in the morning or during one of Summer's midday naps. One such time a few years back springs to mind when PT dad and I snuck upstairs for a quickie whilst she was asleep downstairs. Things were going swimingly when...
'Why is mummy moaning?' 'Why are you both shaking?'
Damn she's in here! And PT dad is literally in too. We were so close. Stay strong PT dad, stay still, covered and strong.
'Your mums ill and I'm looking after her, why dont you make her a card'
Clever PT dad, ok we have 5 mins max,go go go!
'Mum my pens are all dry' i know the feeling!
"Summer watch some TV?"
"No" she is sat on the floor with the cat, PT dad is close to tears
"Go and play in the garden"
Damn she is staying put.. What can I say to get her out and give us some time
"Summer why dont you shower the cat?"
I know this is low, but its something she has always wanted to do.
Her eyes light up and she dashes into the bathroom.
It gave us the time we needed, but the sound of Summer being mauled to death by the cat was a little off putting.

Friday, 24 June 2011

Day 10- "tell me about the rabbits George"

Summer loves animals, she is like Lenny is with rabbits (of mice and men). If she could snap the necks of animals with love she would, luckily we have prevented any animal deaths which would automaticaly put Summer in the "potential serial killer"bracket.

I say no animals died - because I am pretty sure goldfish aren't animals?!?
For Summer's 3rd birthday i brought her 2 Goldfish believing that the experience would teach her about nuturing nature. Fish are low maintenence pets which are surrounded by protective glass walls.perfect.
Part time dad loves fish, having been born into a fishing family on the beaches of Jamaica he knows everything about fish. He can even catch a fish with his bare hands....., even a goldfish with bare hands! - something despite my protesting, he would do constantly much to Summer's delight.
So it was with no surprise that no less than 48 hrs of being a goldfish owner, I came into the living room to see Summer sat comfortably watching cbeebies with a limp dead fish in her hands. Next to the tank was an array of utensils she had used to fish it out (excuse the pun), and there she sat like something out of silence of the lambs watching TV with her dead fish. Fish number 2 was swimming furiously, clealry not being able to shake the horrors from its short term memory. Before Summer could skin the fish and make a lampshade I took it off her and flushed it.
Fish number 2 took his own life sometime that night by swimming into the filter. I am pretty sure he did it on purpose, he did the right thing.

Summer now has a cat and a dog (great combo!)The cat has a safety word and the dog plays dead on command.

Day 10 - Summer who?

I seem to have the word Heaven stamped in black on my wrist.
My head hurts , my mouth is dry and there is a super noodle stuck to my head.
I went to the Kings of Leon concert so why do I have Heaven stamped on my wrist.

I dont go out often. Largely because finding fresh babysitting meat for Summer is getting harder and also because one of the worst things you can do is be around Summer on a hangover.
I am usualy woken by her eyeballing me and poking my tongue exclaiming "eww what happened to you! "

But occasionaly it can be said that I get caught up in the moment and a feeling of being childless washes over me. The combination of Magners and Lauren (yet to reproduce)from work made me awash with the sense of freedom quicker than normal the cruel mix of the 2 egged me on to stay out late and forget about Summer.

Things I remember from yesterday,
1- listening to sex on fire in a portaloo
2- having the need to hug strangers
3-pinky promising to go to Glasto next year (even though party in the park when I was 13 is the closest I have ever been to a festival)
4-trying to get into the Dorchesters bar and Mahiki in wellies and flip flops holding each other up
5- discovering the new M&M store
6- lunging at the staff for not having peanut butter flavor until July
7-being chucked out
8-rembering July is next week
9- going to a gay pub and dancing with a huge mincer to Cabaret at gay kareoke
10- discovering that showing your FHM card will not get you a free pass into Hevan (not the right audience)
11- lauren pretending to be my girlfriend (i'm butch)

So thats how i got the stamp. I dont know what i consumed last night but my poo is black. I know its black because Summer blocked my toilet by flushing figurens down them after i told her the flushes go out to sea.
Now there is black shit bobbing around the brim of the toilet.
I left it as a nice surprise for part time dad.

Thursday, 23 June 2011

Day 9 - Appraisal

It's the day of my appraisal and i have woken up late. 'Shhhiiiittt Summer get up"
Call a cab for the school run -"Summerrrrr!"
Unlike most children Summer does not wake up early. This is great for the weekend but not during the school week.
 "Get upppp!" I say as i smell knickers to see which are clean. I gag. Cab is here in 6mins.
Summer is still buried underneath her duvet fast asleep. What to do?
"Summer.... its snowing!"
Ahhhh the pitter patter of excited feet eager to look at the first snow......in June Surprisingly it takes her a good look up and down the street before she registers.
Summer is angry.., ensue a corker of a screaming match as the cab waits outside.
"You mean"
"You're lazy!"
"You cant do kartwheels and you always go to work" owch!
"Get in the cab grrrr"

"No I hate you"boooom!"I hate the way you comb my hair and your clothes today make you look fifty. You're tummy is wobbly and you fart in your sleep"

"If you dont get in the cab your mishi monsters get it..." I say dangling them out the window."

Really your calling for him!!its 8am - part time dad is worse than you for laziness,  he is passed out cock in hand dreaming about ounces and jerk chicken.

And then I accidently drop one...if it had been snowing it wouldnt have broken into so many pieces.

Shit..Summers face is red, the cab is beeping, she is running for me tooled up with her book bag.
"Youre the worst mum ever"

I'm going to be late, better text in..
Its 8:15am and I have been throughly appraised by my 5yr old...

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Day 8 - Seb

There is a cute boy on the train, adorable, innocent, its rush hour but the whole carraige has warmed to him. He is the same age as Summer. He is saying sweet adorable things, sharing his grapes. This kid is premium. I can hear the wombs of the 30 something single women crying. Even the men want to be this kids dad. He's awsome.
But I'm giving him the death stare, willing him to kick off, slap his dad and shove a grape up his arse and make his dad smell it. You know something Summer would do.
Oh shit now he is showing off his reading skills...cocky little sod. Everyone is silently appluading his ability to read words that would appear to be egyptian script to Summer.
"What does Chiselhurst begin with Seb?"
Seb, pah gay name! Seb muses "sounds like chisel doesnt it dad"
Hmmm I dont think Seb knows- granted the CH phonic is hard. I'm feeling smug . I give him Smug face.
Everyone on the train is willing him on.....
"C" ..."H daddy" ... Train breathes a sigh of relief. I'm visibley annoyed.
I'm tempted to flip him the finger but I realise it's not Seb's fault. He is destined to be a lawyer or doctor, Summer is destined to go by the name of Angel and have fivers stuffed in her bra by builders at the Griffin.

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Day 7-Babies

It was getting to the point today when i thought the 365 Days blog was over. I didnt have anything major to report. The morning school run went as expected, a few tantrums, another umbrella argument. I had no phone calls from the school and came home to a clean house and a calm Summer.
At 7 a lovely couple came round to view the house. They liked the kitchen , were impressed with the lounge and thought Summer was cute. So i let Summer show them her room:
"Wow you're a lucky girl to have a bunk bed! Is that for your friends to sleep on?"
"No its my sisters bed, she used to live here but mum kicked her out"

Errrr sister? Ohhh nooo she's talking about my niece who used to live with us.
I start to run up the stairs to put damage control into place.
"Yeah they had a huge row and mum said she had too many boyfriends and didnt want babies in the house"
I rush in to see a stunned lady and Summer who is re-telling the story whilst wriggling her naked body into an Ariel mermaids dress.
I make funny giggley nervous noises and lead the lady to my bedroom.

"Mum I think the cats peeing on the carpet"

My house is still up for sale.

Talking of my 16 yr old niece and her errr ....closesness to the opposite sex. There was an incident last year when I knew it was time for her stay with us to come to an end, as she was a bad influence on Summer.
 I was sat watching TV one day when I heard Summer scream for me in the bathroom. I ran upstairs and Summer was distraught.
"Mum i'm pregnant!"
 My mouth dropped as she thrust a pregnancy tester into my hand (mine, in case of emergencies). Had I just woken up 10 yrs later?
"Ohhh mum what am I going to do" she cried.
"Why do you think that ur pregnant Summer?"
"Because I put it in my mouth and it changed colour"
Thats when u know 16 yr olds and 5 yr olds shouldnt share a room

Just about to put her in a bath as she has glitter glued her eyelashes to her eyelids.

Monday, 20 June 2011

Day 6 - king of the swingers

Part time dad calls.
"Me tink she dead fi real dis time'
"Is she breathing, moving?"
"Nah really"
"Not really?" "Is Summer dead on not!"
" - i tink she soon go dead cos she fell from really high- toppda door frame"
 "Are you high part-time dad?"

No he was not high.
Summer had scaled to the top of the door and was swinging off the hinges . Her feet balanced on the door handles, Summer was swinging herself back and forth,back and forth, back and ...slam.. Part time dad who is not high, i repeat not high, does not notice our five year old daughter attached to the door and pushes it open. Causing Summer to go flying across the living room.
Such was her shock/mild concussion that she lay still on the floor for quite some time just staring into space. Not moving, not talking,not crying.

I think she is fine, by the time i got through the door she was riding the dog and PT dad had blusher on.

The people came to view the house. The lady wouldnt come in unless the dog was tied up. So. I untied Summer and put the dog on the lead. I dont think they will be back

Day 6 - Singing in the rain

Summer is obsessed with my pink umbrella - im not sure this has anything to do with her penchant for flooding my house. (My kitchen ceiling looks like a skid mark this morning)

Last week she quite happily let me freeze in my vest top in the pourning rain while she skipped happily ahead under MY umbrella in her waterproof jacket ....with her hood up.

On Friday I saw my neighbours setting off in the downpour with only one brolly between them- I rushed to lend them mine, only to be rugby tackled to the ground by Summer and then screamed at with outrage at 'just giving pink umbrella away!!!!.'
 'Now will never see it again...you know what there like mum, they never gave back that onion'

Luckily the brolly was returned and didnt end up sleeping with the fishes along with onion,drop of milk,slice of bread and cup of flour.
Summer grabbed it off the neighbour, slammed the door and said 'yeahh that's right sucker' and took the brolly up to her room.

This morning she was determined not to be parted with the umbrella. I let her hold it in the cab on the way to school, she twirled it round as she walked into her classroom, but when it was time to give it back all hell broke loose. I wasnt in the mood to fuck about. I have a cab waiting, and I am not going to catch penomia so she can impale some kid with my brolly. We tusseled back and forth as i tried to prise her clammy little hands off it. Tracey (breakfast club leader and sympathiser) waded in and dragged Summer away from the brolly. With a final yank I won and made mad a dash out of the classroom door. I heard an almighty scream and turned back to see Summer charging at the door with her shoulder as 2 teachers tried to keep the door closed.

I couldn’t help it - I caught her eye, put the brolly up and gave a her a cheeky wave and blew her a kiss.
Her face was as pink as the umbrella in rage as the door glass rattled and children cowered behind tables and chairs.

Then I mouthed at her
'yeah that's right sucker!!!!'

Sunday, 19 June 2011

Do I have buildings insurance?

She has flooded the bathroom again.
She of course is flat out denying it - blaming it on Part-time dad.
I would love to have faith in my daughter but all the evidence tells me not to.
Item 1: the chair put by the bathroom sink, so a small person can reach the tap.
Item 2: the bubble machine gun that is jammed into the plug hole causing the water to spill all over the bathroom and through to the kitchen ceiling.
Item 3: her gasp of 'oh bugger bollock' when asked if she left the tap on.

She is really upset that I dont believe her. But found great joy in dancing underneath the waterfall from the kitchen spot light.

We have a house viewing tomorrow and my kitchen ceiling is already turning brown.

I'm numb to it all.

The only other thing I have to do tonight is figure out how to get the black dye off her face. So far white spirit and nail polish remover havent worked. She looks like she has been up a chimney.
I think it might be a good lesson for her to go to school like this tomorrow.

Day 5 - Happy Father's Day

A letter to Part-time dad on fathers day.

Dear PT Dad,

Happy Fathers Day,
 Without you Summer would not be able to speak patois,boggle,dutty wynd, and say 'i'm a bad man' on constant repeat.

So you didnt make it to the hospital when I was in labour (or the 4 hours after she was born) but you did manage to break into the maternity ward that night through an open window and stare lovingly at your daughter until dawn when the nurses called security.

You were the one who watched Drag me to Hell with Summer last year (i was the one who slept with her through the nightmares for the next 2 weeks)
You brought her,her first bike which you converted into a low-rider with 2 of the most dangerous looking men I have ever seen. You buy all her clothes,which is why our daughter looks like a 5 yr old pimp and walks as if she has been shot in her left leg.

It is because of you that Summer can list the top 5 local bookmakers, and can eat fried chicken (including the bone).

But Part-time dad you are the one who has Summer from school most days, and has her each and every school holiday and for that Part-time dad I can understand why you run out the door as soon as I get in and why sometimes you like a shot if rum at 9am.

Have a lovely day at the pub (bastard)

Love from Part time mum (who used to be a lot fitter before she had ur kid)

P.S can you bring home some white spirit, she has dyed her face black....again

Saturday, 18 June 2011

Day 4 - I want to be at work!

Currently hiding in my room drinking Malibu and munching Yum-Yums.

The 2 people who dont read this blog let their children come round and play today. Baring in mind I am banned from looking after my own god daughter- these parents should really click my posted links more.
We had a ten minute argument this morning because she wanted to take the TV to the shops. On the way she hurled abuse at the church fete for not inviting her to the 'party' and tried to 'kidnap' a shoe from the charity shop.
By the time her friends came I was gently rocking staring blankly at her making 'sugar mountains' on the kitchen floor.
In the four hours she has had friends round she has.
1# changed outfit 3 times with her being naked at one point.
2# pulled the mattres downstairs to make a slide and got it stuck in the hall
3#hid my bed covers and pillows in my wardrobe
4#told everyone to go home ....twice
5#generaly trashed the house
6# started a turf war with the boy next door (I heard her say blud!)

The estate agents put the for sale sign outside the front of the house today and I swear I heard the neighbours pop open a bottle of champagne!

quote of the day - part-time dad

Quote of the day from Part-time dad.

PT dad :'I can't find my earing'
Me:'where did you last have it?'
PT "I put it in my pocket before I took a shit in the bush, or in the cab on the way home'

Hmmmm where does one start?

Is it necessary to take earings off before evacuating your bowels?

Did he in fact shit in the cab?

Day 4 - I love Boobies

Day 4 - Boobies

There is nothing better than a morning grope in bed. Except these days its not part time dad, its Summer.
This morning I was woken by her juggling my breasts up and down saying 'ohhhh yeahhhh' in a texan drawl.
If ever Summer gets a glimpse of booby she grabs at it like an arcade machine claw. Slow but purposeful.
My boobs have been tweaked, pushed, pulled, twisted, poked and proded even before I have got out of bed this morning.
When friends come round they usually walk through the door carefully with their arms across their chest nervously looking for Summer, because all boobies are fair game to Summer. No one is safe, even last week when i picked Summer up from after school club, Tracey the club leader wished her a good weekend and Summer thanked her with a grab of the boob and a cheeky wink. As i turned to apologise, Tracey rubbed my back 'its ok..were used to her'

Friday, 17 June 2011

Day 3 ......Shit

Run in’s with the Law

Summer is at school (and I haven’t been called in yet) so I assume she is behaving. So whilst we have a bit of quiet ahead of the weekend I think it’s time I let you delve in a little deeper into how bad it can really get. Her antics can make us a giggle but sometimes it goes too far and living with her ‘confident’ nature takes its tholl (I am 29 and considering Botox as my face is stuck in constant frown) One of her favourite tricks is phoning my dad and telling him that I have been hitting her for 36 days now. My dad gets all pretend angry and says that he is going to tell me off, put me on the naughty step and Summer loves it each and every time ( I am not a smacky mummy btw – largely because I can never catch her)
Let me take you to a time where although in hindsight the catalogue events seem hilarious – at the time I really thought Summer would be carted off!
It’s around this time last year – Summer is in my bed fast asleep , its 1 am and a cool breeze is coming in through the windows, my quiet suburban street is still. My niece 16 (who used to live with us ) is in her room next door talking to boys under her pillow thinking that I think she is asleep.
Summer starts stirring, she has a little temperature, she’s wriggling …..she starts to moan  then before you know it she is in full blown night terror attack.
Summer has had a few night terrors over the years. They are quite disturbing, she is angry and scared and is screaming and lashing out. She has been known to throw a glass at me, slap me and generally humiliate me. This time round I know better. I keep my distance, try not to wake her but ensure she is safe as she thrashes around on the bed screaming, yelling, spitting (think exorcist movie girl ) she doesn’t want me near her, scratching my hands as I try to sooth her. It all becomes a bit too much and after 15 mins of the madness I ask my niece to come in and take over as I go downstairs and call up part- time dad and ask him to come home and help.
I put the phone down and light a fag out the back door as I let the dog out for a wee.
‘Ding Dong’ – damn part- time dad is quick !!!
 I open up the front door fag in hand, wearing nothing else but a baggy T-shirt ready to send him upstairs to deal with his daughter, when instead I am greeted by 2 police officers……Shit
The neighbours have called them, fearing the worst after they didn’t get a response when they knocked to see if we were ok. Thinking that Summer had finally followed through with her threats and actually killed me.
Understandably the police are already judging me. I am that mum….that mum with a fag in her hand, while her daughter is upstairs  crying….shit.
 Police lady runs upstairs to see to Summer whilst police man keeps me downstairs! Oh this is bad…there already keeping me away from her….shit.
Police lady comes to the top of the stairs hands on hips and asks me why Summer isn’t wearing any knickers ….WTF?? ‘it’s 1 in the morning’ I yell…’I am not even wearing any knickers we were all in bed!’ police man looks uncomfortable as I tug my T-shirt down.
 Soon Summer stops crying and I hear her bemused chatter upstairs as her and my niece are spoken to in their room. I take police man through to the lounge where my over excited staffy-cross leaps up on him. ……Shit…
 I am that mum.. a mum who walks around naked…smoking fags…with a dangerous dog….whilst my child is upstairs  crying at 1 in the morning..
In ten minutes the whole situation is resolved the police leave after checking I am not on the sex offenders list , I say how terribly impressed I am with their quick response and the care of my neighbours (bastards)  all they while still surprisingly without a pair of knickers on.
Summer is upstairs buzzing that the police came round and I notice how niece has failed to put her sheets on the bed and is sleeping on the bare mattress – Jesus!!! we might as well have smeared faeces on the wall.
‘What did the nice police lady say summer’ …
‘she asked about this’….pointing to the burn mark on her backside where she sat on nieces straighteners’ last week….shit
 ‘and she asked if you hurt me mummy’
Niece is pissing herself laughing.
‘but I’m not going to tell them how you have been hitting me for 36 days!!’

Gang Signs - Latin Kings

Thursday, 16 June 2011

Day 2 - What u been eating?

Sat here thinking about what to write for Day 2. Nothing can top this morning. Plus Summers been at the cinema with the neighbours (they understand Summer and the fact I might need some space. I love em) i havent had much exposure to her antics.
She's been home 30 mins and done nothing out of the ordinary (for her) she's thrown me some gang signs (i think she's bloods tonight'). Pole danced the cat. Rambled about her dreams and how the letter E makes them go away (funny, an E used to give me great dreams)
Its straight to bed because it's been a long day. I lie down for a cuddle and then i vomit in my mouth because she has let one rip. Anyone who has spent a bit of time with her would have probably smelt it and understand why my nostrils are burnt.
When she was a baby part time dad and I thought it was the milk and puree veg pots...she'd grow out of it ...but it never has gone. They're usually silent and creep up on you. Its the smell of rotting death mixed with egg and vomit. Its beyond natural and lingers no matter what ventilation you offer it . I'am sure there is a direct link between global warming in the last 5yrs and Summers backside. Guantanimo bay should use her for torture. Skunks could hire her as a guard dog. Gypsies would leave abandoned carparks, and the Terminator 'would not be back'. Summers poop stinks! But she will point blank look you in the eye with a straight face and tell you 'you dealt it bruv'

Never Turn Your back

Day 2 - Hidden treasures

Hidden Treasures

A funny thing happened whilst on the way to my morning pee.
It's a beautiful time of day, Summer is asleep, the cat is having its morning stretch,the birds tweet.
 I am taking a liberating semi naked stroll to the bathroom. I approach the throne, bend to squat......bang... A zebra head on a pencil falls out from my stomach.
I imagine the shock I am in is somewhat similar to what Sonya Jackson (eastenders) went through when she unsuspectingly poo'd out her baby.
Then I piece the event together. ..
Summer was drawing on my bed last night ... I've gone to bed .... managed to have lodged the pencil into a fold of tummy fat.(I say fold, its more like the depth of an arse crack attached to my abdomen) ,And there the zebra slept with me secretly all night until the gentlest of squats released him, gasping for air on the bathroom floor.

This is Summers fault for 2 reasons.
1-its her pencil that she should have put away
2- she caused the bum fold by making me have a cesarian to get her stubborn melon out.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Day 1 - never turn your back

Lesson 1# Never leave her unattended.

Things that Summer has done when left alone for a split second.

1 flooded the bathroom
2 stripped then painted her entire body green
3 taken off both armbands ran to the deep end,jumped in and drowned in a pool (rescued by two Turkish men)
4 found in lost property in Homebase
5 and tesco
6 and the glades
7 put the cat in the suitcase
8 hidden effectively in the wardrobe for 15mins starting a 'road search' (one of 3 this year)

This leads me to todays post:

Despite struggling with her Biff and Chip reading books, Summer manages to bring up her cousins number on my blackberry and call her... Call her for help, because apparently I am dead in bed, i'm not moving, Summer needs help and she must come now ......and bring sweats.
I know this because part- time dad calls the house phone to check I am alive. I am, he is relived that he doesnt have custody.
Summer explains to me the importance of sweets and how the boy who cried wolf is different to her because he just told the same lie over and over.


Day 1 - Welcome to the madness

After noticing that my status updates on my daughter seem to get quite the reaction ......shock, horror, disgust and Joy- I have decided to let you into my mad world. My daughter Summer is 5, I live with her part time dad, an anorexic cat and a death row dog.

Over the past 5 yrs I have seen Summer accuse me of kidnap and murdering her real mother in public. Offering to dance for money !!??? developing a penchant for going to school/weddings without knickers on, her obsession with breasts ...... I could go on ....and I will over the next 365 days.

She is a handful to say the least - a little shit at most. But everything she does fits in perfectly to the madness of our life and I wouldnt replace her for a wall flower who hides behind my skirt.

Whats the betting she does nothing for the next 364 days.