Welcome to the fun

Welcome to the fun
Christmas Joy

Sunday, 23 October 2011

Day 61 - Son of a Preacher man

‘’Ding Dong’’
Bollocks – another Saturday morning disturbed by the door bell. It should be illegal to ring on door bells before 1pm on a weekend. Not only do I have to contend with some random at the door but I have to deal with Summers obsession with answering it as quick as she can, No matter what is going on, how partially dressed we both may be she will haul ass and sprint to the open the door regardless that my nunny may be on show or that part time dad is strutting around in those ridiculous fertility killer boxer shorts.
So there it was, the door bell going off, Summer running down the stairs with just a vest on and me scrambling to find some leggings to cover my hairy legs before she exposes me. I scream at her to stop, cover up, don’t answer the sodding door!!!!
‘’who the hell is it?’’ Summer bellows through the letterbox.
Leggings, leggings where are my leggings?
‘’is you mother in?’’ I can hear a man’s voice question – god I hope she covered up
‘’she is getting dressed – is that for me?’’
God what is going on down there – she has opened the door – leggings where are my leggings
‘’it is a magazine that we are giving out, it’s for your mother, Jesus can save you, do you believe in Jesus little one’’
‘’yeah she is ok but I think Rhianna is better’’ says Summer
Sod the leggings – I’m leaving Summer to it
‘’maybe you could get your mummy?’’
‘’no.....what’s in the magazine?’’
‘’it’s about how to raise a child’’ this preacher must see the ironic situation he is in right now!! ‘’there are a lot of bad children out there – look at the rioters this summer, they were children’’
‘’ no, cha, that’s lies... the man who gave my nan the TV was huge and fat..... he wasn’t a child’’
Shhiittt leggings, leggings got to get down there
‘’and my dad was saving the burning puppy shop at the riots and he is not a child, i mean he is stupid but he is like 57 or 80 and he smokes, so he isn’t a child. Mum couldn’t go to the riots, she was sick, she did a pee in a cup and left me for 2 days, I saw fires’’
‘’is your dad home? Your mum?’’
‘’I’m coming’’ , just.... got.....  to...... squeeze.... . into.... these..... Skinny....jeans            
I get to the door panting and chaffed to see this visiting Jehovah and his petrified 10 year old son hiding behind him. Before I can say a word he thrust the parenting manual into my hand, squeezes my arm sympathetically. Grabs his son and legs it down the road.

Friday, 21 October 2011

Day 60 - Break - Fast

We keep getting busted in the morning Summer and I.
For the last month or so a mum from Summers school stops her car whenever she sees us on the morning walk to school. The problem is for the last month or so I have taken to giving Summer her breakfast on the run. Its always been a struggle to get something down her in the mornings and with her penchant tardiness. So the morning rush results in her getting a honey sandwich stuffed in her gob. This is the eaten messily in the good samaritains prestine car. "Is that a sandwich she has there for breakfast?" She asks uneasy at the sight of the sugary carby meal. Had the bread been toast I suspect I would have got away with it. If this wasn't bad enough, when summer refused her honey sandwich one morning I shoved her a cereal bar, a coco pop cereal bar in her mouth and off we trotted to school. Had this been served in a bowl with milk on top I would have definately got away with it. This time she wasn't going to hide her disgust "is that her breakfast?l she asked shocked and horrified.
"Oh no " I nervously laugh " she had something else at home"
"No I didn't mummy'
"Ssh now Summer, mummies talkng"
"Yh but your lying.,"
I can feel the judgement bearing down on me like the coco pops monkey beating my chest. I have to get away from these burning eyes, the awkward silence!
" Do u mind walking summer in so I can  jump out and catch my train" the lady pulls over and practically chucks my abusive self out the car.
I make a run for it and abandon Summer in the back of the car still eating that fucking coco pops bar. That's it now, Summer is alone to tell her the truth about me. Not just breakfast time but maybe last night when she ate 4 aero desserts!
You know if she didn't pick us up we would burn those calories, offsetting her nutrionless breakfast. So in fact it she who is damaging my child! Yeah. Hell yeah.
In Summer news she broke up a fight between the cat and the dog and then took the cat to her operating theatre upstairs where she proceeded to pull out clumps of loose hair from the cats neck with tweezers and trim the rest with nail scissors. The  Cat naturally went ape shit on Summers ass and was rewarded a can of Tuna

Sunday, 16 October 2011

Day 59 - If you go down to the woods today

I haven’t blogged for a while – and I think it’s because I don’t really have that much to moan about. Don’t get me wrong Summer is still an arse and part time dad still watches Babestation – actually he now records Babestation as Summer found out to her horror today.
Yes things have been going well for me since I turned 30.
Firstly I got a mortgage so I can stay in my mums house – it was a great feeling when we ripped the ‘For Sale’ sign down. It’s nice to have your Saturday’s back to yourself and not having to find new ways to deter people from buying your house, there are only so many times you can force a cat to pee in the hallway and Summer got so into our regular patter she began to think the house was actually haunted.
So with this newly acquired debt, comes responsibility and I have also had to take on a new job with longer hours and more stress. My friends tried to put me off, ‘’if you take this new job yeah you can pay your mortgage, get a car, and a cleaner but you will never see Summer’.....I handed my notice in there and then.
In Summer news, my friend and I took her sons and Summer to Keston Ponds for some good old fashioned wood walking round the ponds. It was delightful to see them run around the trees and jump in the stream. Not so delightful was watching Summer get stuck in a mud pool. Bare in mind there were 5 of us and only Summer the smallest one manages to find the UK’s only sinking mud spot. In a matter of seconds she was knee deep wriggling for her life. The other 2 kids were clawing at the mud trying to rescue her. I made the mistake of trying to help and ended up flat on my face .  by the end of our little wholesome walk. Summer had lost both Pugg boots to the mud and was  so soiled that she had to strip naked and walk back bare foot through the woods past families walking off there Sunday lunch wearing nothing but my leopard print snood. It looked like we had rescued  Mogli from the Jungle.