Day 66 - Sick in the head

My dad has come to stay for a bit - for a bit is what I'm hoping it will be, for a bit until his girlfriend lets him move back on or he joins that monastery he keeps harping on about. I have just got to keep it together for a bit.

this is just perfect - just fabulous - because that means there are now 4 of us squeezed into a 2 bedroom house. My bedroom now looks like a Romanian flat share with a series of mattresses on the floor and me, Summer and part time dad squeezed in like sardines. Meanwhile my dad is keeping suicide at bay by re arranging my kitchen cupboards, shoe cupboard, cutlery draw - even my vibrators had been lined up into size order. 

Summer is loving the situation - its another beating heart to destroy. She takes great pride in kicking a man when he is down '' you been kicked out? your soooooo old to be kicked out? will you die alone now then?''

While he is here I decide to make him useful, he can do the school run - that will teach him - we all know that Summer is at her finest on a cold dark winters school morning - how sprightly she springs out of bed, and is washed and dressed waiting eagerly by the door, ready and raring to go! 

Summer did not disappoint - it took dad over an hour to get her dressed, he prepared her 3 different breakfast and finally off they set already 15mins late for school. Dad doesnt know where the school is, but I told him not to worry - you just head straight up the road and its on the left - Summer will show you the way. 

Problem is you have to pass 2 other primary schools on the way. Summer knows this and used it to her advantage. Apparently she went all the way into the first schools playground and into the corridor before bursting out laughing and telling granddad she was just tricking him as they were chased out for trespassing by a caretaker, then he fell for it again at the second school! By the time they actually got to her school my dad was screaming at her to stop walking into random schools and to just tell him the name of her school. She refuses and stares at him with no emotion.  Apparently it wasn't until he made the school secretary confirm that Summer was a pupil did he release her into their care. 

They have been late every day of the week so far. 

In other Summer news this morning Summer kicked up her usual fuss about being cruelly forced to go to school where she will be subjecting to such horrors as growing cress and finger painting!! - but this time she started crying and screaming that she did not want to go  saying that she felt ill and doing this fake coughy gaggy thing. Seeing that my dad could not handle a full day alone with Summer I insisted she go much to her dislike '' I will get them to send me home anyway - I will say I am ill'' 

So when I got a call 2 hrs later I knew she was up to her old tricks '' Ohhhhh Summer is poorly, she doesn't look right, she is crying, we think she should go home!" can these people not see her for the devious mentalist she is?

I send Dad to get her - telling him to take his time - and ordering him not to show her any sympathy or fun. 

I phone a bit later to make sure dad picked up the little faker on time - '' she threw up in your car  - it was like a fountain of vomit - I am literally scooping her sick out of your ashtrays, its everywhere'' 

The first thing I ask '' Is my car all right?''

The little fucker knows how to prove a point 

Day 65 - Pull the Other One

So 2 days into my new job, and I get a call from the school. 

Oh here we go again....

Lets start at the very beginning shall we.....

On Sunday Summer went next door to our patient long suffering neighbours to play football. Before I had time to light a cigarette and pour a glass of wine - she was back at my front door. 

''I've cut my foot!'' she had said matter of factly ''can I have a plaster so I can go back next door?''

The cut was more of a slice - one of those ones that leaves a flap of skin over the wound. no real blood, looks worse than it is..... So I patched her up and off she went to play. 

That was the last I saw or heard of the cut.

Fast Forward Tuesday morning. The normal mad rush of getting her lazy arse out of bed and looking vaguely presentable for school, we rush around the house hurling abuse at each other then jump in the cab. With only 10 mins before my train pulls in we sprint down the drive way to the school and the she stops. 

I look back and wave her to hurry up, as she starts to move I have a feeling that trouble lies ahead. 

She is limping. Limping like Quasimodo, like an Afghan war veteran. 

''stop it stop limping, what are you playing at, hurry up'' 

she looks up and smiles, I can read that girl like a book. 

She resumes her normal stride as we make the last 100 yards to her classroom, where on seeing her teacher the limp resumes again. ''Stop it Summer..please don't do this'' She smiles her classic cheeky smile that says  ''I will and there is nothing you can do about it''

I am surprised they waited so long to call me really - a call at 12:30pm meant that Summer must have method acted all morning without success. 

''Hello mum, its Miss Stick you nose in your business and judge you from Summers school, we have Summer here'.....well done good start. No surprises.

''We have Summer here and she is in a lot of pain with her foot'' 

in the words of Essex I think ''Oh Shut Up!!!' 

''She can barely walk and we are quite concerned about the cut, Summer thinks its infected!'' ahh yes Summer my daughter who took her medical degree aged 5 - she is the next Dougie Howser.

''To be honest we are surprised you brought her in today, we understand you are in a new job but is there no one else you could have left her with?, it is not our responsibility to look after children who come into school sick''

I hate you woman. I hate you for being sooooooo stupid as to be the only person on earth that actually believes Summer. 

''She was fine when I left her'' I say realising what and awful cliché that is, classic response of an abuser.

There is no point fighting it - I am the mum who feeds her child soggy sandwiches, who allows her to watch sexy music videos, who sends her into school maimed. 

I have no fight in me too argue - I call my neighbour to see if she can get Summer and then call back to confirm that someone cares enough about Summer to pick her up. '' does she know her neighbour?'' you stupid moron woman. ''oh and also Summer has been sat here with me and she was telling us that she watched a scary movie with her cousin Natasha - she said she was very frightened. Is this true?'' no, no this is not true she hasn't seen her cousin for at least 6 months! Summer if your foot is hurting you so much why are you telling them about horror movies - stick the knife on deeper why dont you! 

Arrrrgggghhhhh shut up woman, shut up Summer - god if you want to go into care you are going the right way about it, and the way I am feeling I might just let you go. So there it is I am back at the top of the list for shitty mothers. 

I am mad very very mad 

-- 

Day 62 - With Gritted Teeth ...

I have been waiting for nearly 6 years now to figure out if I am going to be lumbered with and almighty huge orthodontist bill come 2019.

When Summer was born - like all children, she was born toothless - apart from that recent freak birth where some Romanian kid was born with a full set of gnashes. When she was taken out of my womb and I looked at her for the first time - I thought this girls gums don't look right - she is going to have a gap tooth at the front - actually that was the second thing I thought, the first was ''why is this kids face hairy'' - Jesus with those 2 defining features you wonder why the bonding period was strained.

Everyone told me not to be silly - how could I tell by looking at her gums that she was going to have a gap tooth. To me it was obvious, she had this ridge that came deep down in the centre and it was about a cm wide! no tooth was going to get through that - plus part time dad had a gap tooth - which he then went on to cover up with a really bad set of platinum teeth - which when done in a back street down the Old Kent Road by an Iranian refugee turned out a brassy silver - in short he has the mouth of Jaws from the James Bond Films on a good day.

When Summers teeth began to come through - my fears where confirmed. Before me was one almighty gap, please do not underestimate me when I talk about this gap, tis not a slither, tis not a crack in the door. Someone has taken the door off the hinges here!! No word of a lie this gap is a whole big tooth wide. Which I work out to be a 5mm wide actually - which is a huge amount of open mouth to have. I thought as more and more of her teeth grew the gap would get smaller - it didn't, if anything it got bigger.

Everyone who sees her would say how cute she was with her missing tooth, ''its not, its her gap'' I would have to inform them quickly. I think about people in the public eye with gaps, Madonna, Vanessa Paradis, Amy Winehouse - but there gaps are insignificant in comparison.

Part Time dad and his Jamaican lot say that in their country its believed to be a sign of Riches to come - hmmmmm well that clearly wasn't the case for PT Dad who count corned beef as a luxury meal.

I even took her to the dentist to see what he thought - he was quite optimistic, he thought I was overreacting (OK so asking for a 5 yr old to have veneers fitted is a bit much) but he was convinced that when her adult teeth come through the gap will close. He asked me bring her in for regular check ups - I reckon he is planning on retiring off the cost of those braces in 6 years time.

So I sit and wait for those sodding two front teeth to fall out, the right has been on wobble mode for about a month now. I wobble it, she wobbles it but it wont budge, every other tooth around the front two is popping out in a matter of days - when she smiles at the moment it looks like a chess board.

Yesterday when a non important lower molar fell out - a half heartedly shoved a pound under her pillow. But I told her that the tooth fairy sent me a text - saying that if she can get her front teeth out by Christmas she is in store for an extra special treat. Lets face it I need to know what those teeth are planning - in case I have to get saving!

Day 61 - Son of a Preacher man

‘’Ding Dong’’

Bollocks – another Saturday morning disturbed by the door bell. It should be illegal to ring on door bells before 1pm on a weekend. Not only do I have to contend with some random at the door but I have to deal with Summers obsession with answering it as quick as she can, No matter what is going on, how partially dressed we both may be she will haul ass and sprint to the open the door regardless that my nunny may be on show or that part time dad is strutting around in those ridiculous fertility killer boxer shorts.

So there it was, the door bell going off, Summer running down the stairs with just a vest on and me scrambling to find some leggings to cover my hairy legs before she exposes me. I scream at her to stop, cover up, don’t answer the sodding door!!!!

‘’who the hell is it?’’ Summer bellows through the letterbox.

Leggings, leggings where are my leggings?

‘’is you mother in?’’ I can hear a man’s voice question – god I hope she covered up

‘’she is getting dressed – is that for me?’’

God what is going on down there – she has opened the door – leggings where are my leggings

‘’it is a magazine that we are giving out, it’s for your mother, Jesus can save you, do you believe in Jesus little one’’

‘’yeah she is ok but I think Rhianna is better’’ says Summer

Sod the leggings – I’m leaving Summer to it

‘’maybe you could get your mummy?’’

‘’no.....what’s in the magazine?’’

‘’it’s about how to raise a child’’ this preacher must see the ironic situation he is in right now!! ‘’there are a lot of bad children out there – look at the rioters this summer, they were children’’

‘’ no, cha, that’s lies... the man who gave my nan the TV was huge and fat..... he wasn’t a child’’

Shhiittt leggings, leggings got to get down there

‘’and my dad was saving the burning puppy shop at the riots and he is not a child, i mean he is stupid but he is like 57 or 80 and he smokes, so he isn’t a child. Mum couldn’t go to the riots, she was sick, she did a pee in a cup and left me for 2 days, I saw fires’’

‘’is your dad home? Your mum?’’

‘’I’m coming’’ , just.... got.....  to...... squeeze.... . into.... these..... Skinny....jeans            

I get to the door panting and chaffed to see this visiting Jehovah and his petrified 10 year old son hiding behind him. Before I can say a word he thrust the parenting manual into my hand, squeezes my arm sympathetically. Grabs his son and legs it down the road.

Day 60 - Break - Fast

We keep getting busted in the morning Summer and I.

For the last month or so a mum from Summers school stops her car whenever she sees us on the morning walk to school. The problem is for the last month or so I have taken to giving Summer her breakfast on the run. Its always been a struggle to get something down her in the mornings and with her penchant tardiness. So the morning rush results in her getting a honey sandwich stuffed in her gob. This is the eaten messily in the good samaritains prestine car. "Is that a sandwich she has there for breakfast?" She asks uneasy at the sight of the sugary carby meal. Had the bread been toast I suspect I would have got away with it. If this wasn't bad enough, when summer refused her honey sandwich one morning I shoved her a cereal bar, a coco pop cereal bar in her mouth and off we trotted to school. Had this been served in a bowl with milk on top I would have definately got away with it. This time she wasn't going to hide her disgust "is that her breakfast?l she asked shocked and horrified.

"Oh no " I nervously laugh " she had something else at home"

"No I didn't mummy'

"Ssh now Summer, mummies talkng"

"Yh but your lying.,"

I can feel the judgement bearing down on me like the coco pops monkey beating my chest. I have to get away from these burning eyes, the awkward silence!

" Do u mind walking summer in so I can  jump out and catch my train" the lady pulls over and practically chucks my abusive self out the car.

I make a run for it and abandon Summer in the back of the car still eating that fucking coco pops bar. That's it now, Summer is alone to tell her the truth about me. Not just breakfast time but maybe last night when she ate 4 aero desserts!

You know if she didn't pick us up we would burn those calories, offsetting her nutrionless breakfast. So in fact it she who is damaging my child! Yeah. Hell yeah.

In Summer news she broke up a fight between the cat and the dog and then took the cat to her operating theatre upstairs where she proceeded to pull out clumps of loose hair from the cats neck with tweezers and trim the rest with nail scissors. The  Cat naturally went ape shit on Summers ass and was rewarded a can of Tuna

Day 59 - If you go down to the woods today

I haven’t blogged for a while – and I think it’s because I don’t really have that much to moan about. Don’t get me wrong Summer is still an arse and part time dad still watches Babestation – actually he now records Babestation as Summer found out to her horror today.

Yes things have been going well for me since I turned 30.

Firstly I got a mortgage so I can stay in my mums house – it was a great feeling when we ripped the ‘For Sale’ sign down. It’s nice to have your Saturday’s back to yourself and not having to find new ways to deter people from buying your house, there are only so many times you can force a cat to pee in the hallway and Summer got so into our regular patter she began to think the house was actually haunted.

So with this newly acquired debt, comes responsibility and I have also had to take on a new job with longer hours and more stress. My friends tried to put me off, ‘’if you take this new job yeah you can pay your mortgage, get a car, and a cleaner but you will never see Summer’.....I handed my notice in there and then.

In Summer news, my friend and I took her sons and Summer to Keston Ponds for some good old fashioned wood walking round the ponds. It was delightful to see them run around the trees and jump in the stream. Not so delightful was watching Summer get stuck in a mud pool. Bare in mind there were 5 of us and only Summer the smallest one manages to find the UK’s only sinking mud spot. In a matter of seconds she was knee deep wriggling for her life. The other 2 kids were clawing at the mud trying to rescue her. I made the mistake of trying to help and ended up flat on my face .  by the end of our little wholesome walk. Summer had lost both Pugg boots to the mud and was  so soiled that she had to strip naked and walk back bare foot through the woods past families walking off there Sunday lunch wearing nothing but my leopard print snood. It looked like we had rescued  Mogli from the Jungle.

Day 58 - Bonkers Conkers

Today was nice. On collecting Summer from school I was presented with a surprise!

She was all sweaty when I got there , so I recoiled when she gave me a kiss- it’s essentially her fault for demanding to wear Ugg boots -sorry Pugg boots (Primark brought) leopard print leggings and a  long sleeve top on the hottest day of the year. We need to stop watching the only way is Essex.

Anyway...I am just heading out the classroom door when the after school club lady stops me. ‘’Oh yes, I need to give you this’’

Shit what is it, another medical slip, an exclusion letter, extra homework, social services letter....

‘’its a note home from her teacher’’ shit shit shitty shit.  I skulk back to collect the note that will ruin my weekend.

But neh, yeah of little faith mummy,  tis but a certificate of achievement ‘’Star of the Week’’ I have heard about these awards but thought them a fanciful piece of fiction, Summer bringing Mr Tumnus home for tea and cake was more likely .

On the back there is a hand written note from the teacher....to me... because I am her mother and I have born a star (see day 56 I told you so) Now I know how Mary felt – not my mate Mary,I mean  Jesus n Mary.

I start to read...

‘’In PE yesterday...’’ oh PE , not Star of Math or English....PE, never mind a star is a star ,more people know Usain Bolt than some Mathalete anyway.

‘’Summer worked well in the group and chose  to .....’’ I love the way her teachers always write ‘chose ‘ to  because Summer will only take part and excel in something she has chosen to do.

‘’Chose to develop a sequence of movements to create a dance’’ errrr isn’t that what dance is ??

‘’She listened very carefully to the music that was playing and kept with the tempo and the rhythm’’ Hell, she is black what you expect woman.

‘’Her dance was magnificent’’ oh do calm down dear

‘’...and told the story of a conkers experience during Autumn’’ ......ohhhh kaaayyyy then, someone picked up the hash cake at the bake sale today.

What does a conker experience during Autumn?  It sprouts, grows out of its shell, drops to the ground and then kids use it as weapons.  Shit she would have to be talented to dance that scene.

When we get home I ask her to perform this MAGNIFICENT dance. She willingly agrees.  She wants me to get involved, Stand like a tree, this I can do. I stand arms out like a tree, she stands underneath my armpit, dramatically drops to the ground in a ball. Then rolls around the floor ( a little bit too proactively if you ask me)

And now as promised many moons ago (thinking that I would never have to) I am grudgingly obliged to buy her a present as she won Star of the Week, for her ability to sexualise a conker.