Today was my second Therapy session and I arrive ten minutes late without my ‘therapy homework’
As I check myself in, my therapist appears at the top of the stars. Dressed a lot better than last week, a beaming smile, waving at my eagerly.
I can tell this woman likes me, I reckon my sessions are the most fun she has all week. I am the funniest mental health patient she has.
‘You may notice some changes to the room!’’ she tells me excitedly. Hmmmm she has updated her wardrobe from green peace chic and addressed my issues with the poorly decorated room. Is she reading my blog?
‘’like it?’’ errr I can’t notice anything different but she looks really pleased, why is she seeking my approval.....someone’s got issues.
She goes down her list of questions as she does at the start of every session, How’s Summer? Done anything spontaneous? Are you happy? Are you suicidal?
‘ahh the chairs’ I say ‘you moved the chairs....and you have a picture of a brain on the wall, amazing, I am no longer suicidal’
She looks confused and scribbles.
She wants me to talk about my last panic attack. I tell her it was dwarf induced. I watched a documentary on a dwarf who said he is getting water on the brain and left untreated he could die. I identified with his symptoms of headaches, dizziness and head swelling and convinced myself that I had’ dwarf water on the brain disease’. Every time I say dwarf I giggle. She does not; she takes dwarfs very seriously, clearly.
I tell her how I spent an hour in front of the bathroom mirror convinced my head was getting bigger and bigger. ‘’was it?’’ she asks open mouthed again taking this far too seriously, I am talking about dwarves women.....laugh
‘’yes my head swelled and my arms started to get smaller and smaller’’ she is clearly upset for me and writes more on her notepad.
‘’how did you stop the panic?’’ she asks
‘’I told myself at 16 stone plus and 5ft 8, I am not a dwarf and do not have a dwarf head’’
‘’good, good she says, it’s good that you can see you are not a dwarf’’ she ticks a box.
God I have 30 more minutes left of this. This woman does not get me at all.
We move on from dwarves and talk about Summer. I tell her we have some time together this week with me being off work, she likes this, she asks what we have planned. I tell her that a possible trip to Chessington is on the cards, she makes me say it again without the word possible and say definitely. ‘’I will definitely take Summer to Chessington ....maybe, if I have the money’’ she humphs and scribbles. I tell her about the Tampon day and Thomas. She doesn’t find this funny either. ‘’Do you think becoming Thomas is more than just a game?’’ Oh god, maybe telling a therapist that occasionally I use the voice of an African man to discipline my child is not the best move. I may leave here in a straight jacket.
‘’Do you think Thomas is the real parent in you trying to get out and take charge at home’’ hmmmm I sit and think.....No
‘’No it is just soooo much fun talkin in an afrikhan accent mannnnnn’ (please read that again in intimidating African tones)
She looks shocked, she scribbles, she tells me my time is up.
‘but......’ I protest, I want to explain that I am just joking around, shit don’t let me talking African to you be the last words I say before next week!!!
‘’We will deal with this next week’ she says