Welcome to the fun

Welcome to the fun
Christmas Joy

Saturday, 10 September 2011

Day 53 - Doctors

So I am ill, actually ill, this time it’s not in my mind.
I put it down to either a kidney infection or pregnancy at first. The constant peeing and lower back pain. Don't be too surprised. Either way both diseases are symptoms of having had sex!
 It happened after the riots, Summer was held hostage in Deptford watching the feral youth burn pound land. Part Time dad had returned home, excited in all his black power escapades of the last 48hrs, so rather than get arrested he looted my womb instead of JD sports. This also keeps his promise to only fornicate with me bi-annually.
I wish he hadn't bothered. The pee, pain and nausea that followed led me to worry about another devil child in my belly. Part time dad would insist on naming him Riot. I'm serious, he wanted to call Summer Ice during my first trimester, and then changed his preference to Cream days before my due date when I was too weak to care. It seems Jamaicans don't have to worry about being bullied in the playground for having a stupid name. Hence his eldest brother is called Fuzzy.
But anyway I am ill, so I book a doctors appt to face this head on. The post arrives as I put down the phone and there is a letter from her, the bitch , my EX therapist. She has sent me a copy of the doctor’s letter where she tells him I am above averagely insane, and that I am a hypochondriac....today of all days when I am really ill. The doctor would have read the letter by now, noticed me on his appointments list and already decided to not care about my pains. Summer is excited about the trip to the doctors, she wants them to pull her teeth out so she can score some money from the tooth fairy. When I am called in, Summer follows. She clocks the doctor, the doctor clocks her...there is tension in the room. Seems neither of them have got over the immunisation incident 3 months ago. Summer snarls at him. "You broke my arm!"she lies
"You didn't hold still Summer"
"You’re just mean you know that, your mum doesn't love you" I ignore them both.
I tell him my symptoms, and he pretends to listen whilst keeping one eye on Summer. I spell out to him that I think I have a kidney infection or that I am P-R-E-G-N-A....
"Jesus Christ your pregnant mum" Summer squeals running around the room, now she decides to be academic! "I knew you wouldn't be just fat" . Still tension in the room. The doctor tells me I am not pregnant- he just looks me up and down- how he can do this without a test?. I insist though and 5 mins later I am peeing into a cup with Summer wondering how I am doing it so precisely. She is on her knees right in front of my vagine. Mouth open watching me perform, amazed at what is going on in the doctors toilets.
With a cup of pee in my hand and jeans round my ankles she opens the door and runs out telling everyone in reception what she just saw, and that I am pregnant. An old lady starts clapping.
The doctor is as shocked as I am to find that for once I am actually ill. Urinary infection. Ha told you!
We go home and I tell Summer to please be good and careful round me because I am ill. She says she doesn't care because I am always ill. She pats my tummy. I climb into bed, a hot shivering pee smelling mess.
"I called dad..he didn't know you were pregnant, he gave me a message for you"
Oh shit
"He wants you to have a really hot bath, drink vodka" aww that's nice, yes I need to relax,
"and something about a coat hanger...he said he would be home next month"

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