New Friends

I'm gonna keep to the basics on this one - there's been a bit of writers block the last 6 months - but that doesn't mean that Summer has matured into a little angel.

Far from it.

So this story happened a few weeks back. 

Summer holidays, bored at home, I cant take any more and I have only done a two week stint this year. During my 2 weeks on duty - I have seriously considered packing my bags in the middle of the night and legging it. 

A lack of routine and school work created a bored fuzzy monster who used me as her play thing. I felt like the pretty boy in Pentonville.

so one day - we are watching TV and Summer gets up and goes to the kitchen, takes a sandwich bag and disappears. Thats fine by me - she couldn't fit her head into the sandwich bag and suffocate so no need to monitor this situation - also i never intend to make her a packed lunch ever again after she complained to the head about my inedible soggy sandwiches. So go for your life with the sandwich bags. 

After a while I notice whispering from the landing. 

''your warm aren't you?'' Summers says in a creepy little voice

''Summer!!!! what you doing come here now''' I say

She doesn't come

''your darker than you were before'' she whispers '' i like it'' she creeps on

''Summer your being weird - get down here now!!'' 

''You wont let me bring my friend, so I'd rather stay up here with them'' 

ohhhh ya bastard - you've got so bored you've brought back the imaginary friend. ''no mummy its not imaginary its real - I can see him'' 

she slowly comes down the stairs all the while whispering to her ''friend'' she is reassuring him. ''its ok - you dont have to worry, we can watch Disney, you'll like Disney'' 

she pops her head round the corner and holds something behind her back.

''let me see it Summer!''...she shakes her head

'show me what you have behind your back'' ...she refuses again

knowing that this could go on all night - i just shrug and tell her to get on with it. 

Knowing that her battle is won - she skips to the sofa with her new little friend in hand and snuggles down with him to watch TV.

I don't know if the Summer holidays had caused some part of me to die - or that maybe I had now seen it all for Summer - but as she rested the sandwich bag filled with her own urine on her knee, I knew I/ we needed help. 

''really Summer?? this is you 'friend''

''I LOVE him'' she replies

I'm not prepared to fight and struggle over a bag of piss - I have had enough of Summers piss soaking into my skin - so I leave her too it. Thinking that if this is for attention she will soon get bored. 

Of course it doesn't, Bag 'O' Pee joins for the remainder of the evening, Is introduced to the pets, the neighbours, part time dad. It's told all her secrets and admired for her cloudiness.

I let it go on - in silent protest until she falls asleep clutching her bag of pee and gently release it from her clasp.

retire to bed and google ''Child Therapist''

Day 67 (after 3mths) Pancake day

lets make some memories, lets do Pancake day. Lets cook together and eat our spoils and remember this day, the smell of the batter, the lemon hitting or throats, flour in our hair and sugar on our fingers.

or as it is with Summer lets have tears, swearing and NHS direct on speed dial.

After work I brought all the materials needed for a successful pancake making session. A choice of no less than 5 fillings and an essential non- stick pan.
Summer cracked eggs into the bowl with vigor as I whisked the flour and milk in - this is it, we are doing it, making memories. Her little feet on tip toes peering over the bowl as she tastes the batter, I reach above her into the cupboard to get the sugar and her eager eyes follow me - eyes follow me so that she may learn. As the cupboard door opens- out flies a pot of Jerk seasoning and my world goes into slow motion. The peppery powder flies through the air like an ash cloud, Summer mouth open surveys the cloud that is about to consume her, my natural instinct is to protect the Pancake mix.
''FUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKK''
oh I said that without moving my lips,
''Fuck, Fuck oh Fuck i'm blind''
She has turned bright red and is squeeling grabbing her eyes in agony. Im not in pain so I didnt say that....
'Water, I need Water FUCK, Bloody water ''
I run the tap and start chucking water in Summers face.
''not the hot tap you IDIOT......JESUS CHRIST, im dying''
Can I tell her off for swearing at a time like this? - she is shaking in shock after all.
Should I take her to the hospital - certainly not while she is screaming Fuck at the top of her voice. hold this wet towel to your face while I close the windows case the neighbors hear this.
Just standing next to her my nostrils are burning - I run through the ingredients on the pack to see if its dangerous, but I cant make it out because its all in Jamaican.
''Ingredients: Nuff hot pepper n scotch bonnet
Warning: nah smoke dis shit man it a gah burn you to rassssss''
Again another danger of living with part time dad - if I had hooked up with a nice middle class white man the worst this would have got was a dash of horseradish in the eye.
After 20 mins or so she opens her eyes and I commend her for her bravery.
I cant help thinking that my little bundle of joy will be OK in the next bout of riots should the pepper spray come out.

no one is eating pancakes tonight

Day 66 - Sick in the head

My dad has come to stay for a bit - for a bit is what I'm hoping it will be, for a bit until his girlfriend lets him move back on or he joins that monastery he keeps harping on about. I have just got to keep it together for a bit.

this is just perfect - just fabulous - because that means there are now 4 of us squeezed into a 2 bedroom house. My bedroom now looks like a Romanian flat share with a series of mattresses on the floor and me, Summer and part time dad squeezed in like sardines. Meanwhile my dad is keeping suicide at bay by re arranging my kitchen cupboards, shoe cupboard, cutlery draw - even my vibrators had been lined up into size order. 

Summer is loving the situation - its another beating heart to destroy. She takes great pride in kicking a man when he is down '' you been kicked out? your soooooo old to be kicked out? will you die alone now then?''

While he is here I decide to make him useful, he can do the school run - that will teach him - we all know that Summer is at her finest on a cold dark winters school morning - how sprightly she springs out of bed, and is washed and dressed waiting eagerly by the door, ready and raring to go! 

Summer did not disappoint - it took dad over an hour to get her dressed, he prepared her 3 different breakfast and finally off they set already 15mins late for school. Dad doesnt know where the school is, but I told him not to worry - you just head straight up the road and its on the left - Summer will show you the way. 

Problem is you have to pass 2 other primary schools on the way. Summer knows this and used it to her advantage. Apparently she went all the way into the first schools playground and into the corridor before bursting out laughing and telling granddad she was just tricking him as they were chased out for trespassing by a caretaker, then he fell for it again at the second school! By the time they actually got to her school my dad was screaming at her to stop walking into random schools and to just tell him the name of her school. She refuses and stares at him with no emotion.  Apparently it wasn't until he made the school secretary confirm that Summer was a pupil did he release her into their care. 

They have been late every day of the week so far. 

In other Summer news this morning Summer kicked up her usual fuss about being cruelly forced to go to school where she will be subjecting to such horrors as growing cress and finger painting!! - but this time she started crying and screaming that she did not want to go  saying that she felt ill and doing this fake coughy gaggy thing. Seeing that my dad could not handle a full day alone with Summer I insisted she go much to her dislike '' I will get them to send me home anyway - I will say I am ill'' 

So when I got a call 2 hrs later I knew she was up to her old tricks '' Ohhhhh Summer is poorly, she doesn't look right, she is crying, we think she should go home!" can these people not see her for the devious mentalist she is?

I send Dad to get her - telling him to take his time - and ordering him not to show her any sympathy or fun. 

I phone a bit later to make sure dad picked up the little faker on time - '' she threw up in your car  - it was like a fountain of vomit - I am literally scooping her sick out of your ashtrays, its everywhere'' 

The first thing I ask '' Is my car all right?''

The little fucker knows how to prove a point 

Day 65 - Pull the Other One

So 2 days into my new job, and I get a call from the school. 

Oh here we go again....

Lets start at the very beginning shall we.....

On Sunday Summer went next door to our patient long suffering neighbours to play football. Before I had time to light a cigarette and pour a glass of wine - she was back at my front door. 

''I've cut my foot!'' she had said matter of factly ''can I have a plaster so I can go back next door?''

The cut was more of a slice - one of those ones that leaves a flap of skin over the wound. no real blood, looks worse than it is..... So I patched her up and off she went to play. 

That was the last I saw or heard of the cut.

Fast Forward Tuesday morning. The normal mad rush of getting her lazy arse out of bed and looking vaguely presentable for school, we rush around the house hurling abuse at each other then jump in the cab. With only 10 mins before my train pulls in we sprint down the drive way to the school and the she stops. 

I look back and wave her to hurry up, as she starts to move I have a feeling that trouble lies ahead. 

She is limping. Limping like Quasimodo, like an Afghan war veteran. 

''stop it stop limping, what are you playing at, hurry up'' 

she looks up and smiles, I can read that girl like a book. 

She resumes her normal stride as we make the last 100 yards to her classroom, where on seeing her teacher the limp resumes again. ''Stop it Summer..please don't do this'' She smiles her classic cheeky smile that says  ''I will and there is nothing you can do about it''

I am surprised they waited so long to call me really - a call at 12:30pm meant that Summer must have method acted all morning without success. 

''Hello mum, its Miss Stick you nose in your business and judge you from Summers school, we have Summer here'.....well done good start. No surprises.

''We have Summer here and she is in a lot of pain with her foot'' 

in the words of Essex I think ''Oh Shut Up!!!' 

''She can barely walk and we are quite concerned about the cut, Summer thinks its infected!'' ahh yes Summer my daughter who took her medical degree aged 5 - she is the next Dougie Howser.

''To be honest we are surprised you brought her in today, we understand you are in a new job but is there no one else you could have left her with?, it is not our responsibility to look after children who come into school sick''

I hate you woman. I hate you for being sooooooo stupid as to be the only person on earth that actually believes Summer. 

''She was fine when I left her'' I say realising what and awful cliché that is, classic response of an abuser.

There is no point fighting it - I am the mum who feeds her child soggy sandwiches, who allows her to watch sexy music videos, who sends her into school maimed. 

I have no fight in me too argue - I call my neighbour to see if she can get Summer and then call back to confirm that someone cares enough about Summer to pick her up. '' does she know her neighbour?'' you stupid moron woman. ''oh and also Summer has been sat here with me and she was telling us that she watched a scary movie with her cousin Natasha - she said she was very frightened. Is this true?'' no, no this is not true she hasn't seen her cousin for at least 6 months! Summer if your foot is hurting you so much why are you telling them about horror movies - stick the knife on deeper why dont you! 

Arrrrgggghhhhh shut up woman, shut up Summer - god if you want to go into care you are going the right way about it, and the way I am feeling I might just let you go. So there it is I am back at the top of the list for shitty mothers. 

I am mad very very mad 

-- 

Day 62 - With Gritted Teeth ...

I have been waiting for nearly 6 years now to figure out if I am going to be lumbered with and almighty huge orthodontist bill come 2019.

When Summer was born - like all children, she was born toothless - apart from that recent freak birth where some Romanian kid was born with a full set of gnashes. When she was taken out of my womb and I looked at her for the first time - I thought this girls gums don't look right - she is going to have a gap tooth at the front - actually that was the second thing I thought, the first was ''why is this kids face hairy'' - Jesus with those 2 defining features you wonder why the bonding period was strained.

Everyone told me not to be silly - how could I tell by looking at her gums that she was going to have a gap tooth. To me it was obvious, she had this ridge that came deep down in the centre and it was about a cm wide! no tooth was going to get through that - plus part time dad had a gap tooth - which he then went on to cover up with a really bad set of platinum teeth - which when done in a back street down the Old Kent Road by an Iranian refugee turned out a brassy silver - in short he has the mouth of Jaws from the James Bond Films on a good day.

When Summers teeth began to come through - my fears where confirmed. Before me was one almighty gap, please do not underestimate me when I talk about this gap, tis not a slither, tis not a crack in the door. Someone has taken the door off the hinges here!! No word of a lie this gap is a whole big tooth wide. Which I work out to be a 5mm wide actually - which is a huge amount of open mouth to have. I thought as more and more of her teeth grew the gap would get smaller - it didn't, if anything it got bigger.

Everyone who sees her would say how cute she was with her missing tooth, ''its not, its her gap'' I would have to inform them quickly. I think about people in the public eye with gaps, Madonna, Vanessa Paradis, Amy Winehouse - but there gaps are insignificant in comparison.

Part Time dad and his Jamaican lot say that in their country its believed to be a sign of Riches to come - hmmmmm well that clearly wasn't the case for PT Dad who count corned beef as a luxury meal.

I even took her to the dentist to see what he thought - he was quite optimistic, he thought I was overreacting (OK so asking for a 5 yr old to have veneers fitted is a bit much) but he was convinced that when her adult teeth come through the gap will close. He asked me bring her in for regular check ups - I reckon he is planning on retiring off the cost of those braces in 6 years time.

So I sit and wait for those sodding two front teeth to fall out, the right has been on wobble mode for about a month now. I wobble it, she wobbles it but it wont budge, every other tooth around the front two is popping out in a matter of days - when she smiles at the moment it looks like a chess board.

Yesterday when a non important lower molar fell out - a half heartedly shoved a pound under her pillow. But I told her that the tooth fairy sent me a text - saying that if she can get her front teeth out by Christmas she is in store for an extra special treat. Lets face it I need to know what those teeth are planning - in case I have to get saving!

Day 61 - Son of a Preacher man

‘’Ding Dong’’

Bollocks – another Saturday morning disturbed by the door bell. It should be illegal to ring on door bells before 1pm on a weekend. Not only do I have to contend with some random at the door but I have to deal with Summers obsession with answering it as quick as she can, No matter what is going on, how partially dressed we both may be she will haul ass and sprint to the open the door regardless that my nunny may be on show or that part time dad is strutting around in those ridiculous fertility killer boxer shorts.

So there it was, the door bell going off, Summer running down the stairs with just a vest on and me scrambling to find some leggings to cover my hairy legs before she exposes me. I scream at her to stop, cover up, don’t answer the sodding door!!!!

‘’who the hell is it?’’ Summer bellows through the letterbox.

Leggings, leggings where are my leggings?

‘’is you mother in?’’ I can hear a man’s voice question – god I hope she covered up

‘’she is getting dressed – is that for me?’’

God what is going on down there – she has opened the door – leggings where are my leggings

‘’it is a magazine that we are giving out, it’s for your mother, Jesus can save you, do you believe in Jesus little one’’

‘’yeah she is ok but I think Rhianna is better’’ says Summer

Sod the leggings – I’m leaving Summer to it

‘’maybe you could get your mummy?’’

‘’no.....what’s in the magazine?’’

‘’it’s about how to raise a child’’ this preacher must see the ironic situation he is in right now!! ‘’there are a lot of bad children out there – look at the rioters this summer, they were children’’

‘’ no, cha, that’s lies... the man who gave my nan the TV was huge and fat..... he wasn’t a child’’

Shhiittt leggings, leggings got to get down there

‘’and my dad was saving the burning puppy shop at the riots and he is not a child, i mean he is stupid but he is like 57 or 80 and he smokes, so he isn’t a child. Mum couldn’t go to the riots, she was sick, she did a pee in a cup and left me for 2 days, I saw fires’’

‘’is your dad home? Your mum?’’

‘’I’m coming’’ , just.... got.....  to...... squeeze.... . into.... these..... Skinny....jeans            

I get to the door panting and chaffed to see this visiting Jehovah and his petrified 10 year old son hiding behind him. Before I can say a word he thrust the parenting manual into my hand, squeezes my arm sympathetically. Grabs his son and legs it down the road.

Day 60 - Break - Fast

We keep getting busted in the morning Summer and I.

For the last month or so a mum from Summers school stops her car whenever she sees us on the morning walk to school. The problem is for the last month or so I have taken to giving Summer her breakfast on the run. Its always been a struggle to get something down her in the mornings and with her penchant tardiness. So the morning rush results in her getting a honey sandwich stuffed in her gob. This is the eaten messily in the good samaritains prestine car. "Is that a sandwich she has there for breakfast?" She asks uneasy at the sight of the sugary carby meal. Had the bread been toast I suspect I would have got away with it. If this wasn't bad enough, when summer refused her honey sandwich one morning I shoved her a cereal bar, a coco pop cereal bar in her mouth and off we trotted to school. Had this been served in a bowl with milk on top I would have definately got away with it. This time she wasn't going to hide her disgust "is that her breakfast?l she asked shocked and horrified.

"Oh no " I nervously laugh " she had something else at home"

"No I didn't mummy'

"Ssh now Summer, mummies talkng"

"Yh but your lying.,"

I can feel the judgement bearing down on me like the coco pops monkey beating my chest. I have to get away from these burning eyes, the awkward silence!

" Do u mind walking summer in so I can  jump out and catch my train" the lady pulls over and practically chucks my abusive self out the car.

I make a run for it and abandon Summer in the back of the car still eating that fucking coco pops bar. That's it now, Summer is alone to tell her the truth about me. Not just breakfast time but maybe last night when she ate 4 aero desserts!

You know if she didn't pick us up we would burn those calories, offsetting her nutrionless breakfast. So in fact it she who is damaging my child! Yeah. Hell yeah.

In Summer news she broke up a fight between the cat and the dog and then took the cat to her operating theatre upstairs where she proceeded to pull out clumps of loose hair from the cats neck with tweezers and trim the rest with nail scissors. The  Cat naturally went ape shit on Summers ass and was rewarded a can of Tuna