Day 43 - Light relief from riots

The past 24hrs have been somewhat stressful.
It started with me falling down the stairs and ripping my arsehole in 2 at 7am. PT dad found me sobbing naked at the bottom step. Once placed on the sofa, Summer and PT dad left to visit Grandma in Lewisham.
I fell asleep and woke up paralysed from my back hair down. The dog was licking me and I needed to wee. PT dad and Summer werent answering the phone and I was getting worried. My back pain was such that I am not ashamed to say I pissed in a pint glass rather than climb the stairs.
Later the news tells me of riots in Lewisham and an over excited PT dad calls me to say it is just like the mother land in the 80's when the government handed them guns to protect families from rioters. Why no guns he muses? PT has been prophesising a riot ever since I have known him. And now its finaly here he is confused, why do british people fuck up there own shit? Why would they take down nandos, why cash convertors, why primark? What madness is this? I ask him to kindly come home and assist me but he says the riots have shut down london transport, besides Summer is with his mum and he is holed up in a Jamaican patty shop defending savory snacks from the youths. The Jamaican community needs him.
Meanwhile the dog has started licking my piss pint and coming over to lick me. I try and fend him off as best I can.
I am alone, basically covered in my own pee as the rioters moved closer and closer to my area. Is this how it all ends for me?
I wake up again at 5am as PT dad stumbles through the door a few patties in hand. He is devestated, the patty shop went down. He saved what he could. He tells me about the horrors he has seen and I point out that he has left our daughter in the middle of it.

I rescue Summer at 2pm the next day, she is reluctant to leave the action, she is telling me all about what she saw outside the window, bricks thrown at police, grandma turning down the offer of a Plasma TV, and a fire in a bin.

I feel calmer at home until I read racist comments about the riots on Facebook and Twitter and I wonder how much it would hurt Summer if she was old enough to hear, would it effect her, would she feel part of a feared,hated,minority. Would she lash out like the kids we see on the news after being told they are scum year after year. I find myself defending my daughters future as I reply to posts. Then Summer puts it all into perspective. "Whats dis?" Summer has looted my bedroom draw. She is holding a purple 10 inch vibrator in one hand and blue anal beads in the other. I spit my mouthfull of tea all over her. "What is dis mummy tell me" I stall, how do I handle it responsibly?
 So here I am massaging Summer with my vibrator and anal beads to prove I wasnt lying and that it is for my bad back. I cant remeber if they have been wiped down from there last outing. I am sick in my mouth a little.

Day 42 - The Apprentice

I love that feeling on saturday morning when u wake up early, then realise you dont have to work, so can just roll over and go back to bed ...well until Summer. Wakes you anyway. This morning I woke up naturally at 9:30 unusually Summer wasnt poking me in the eyes or trying to stuff the cat in my knickers. The house was silent so I knew there was trouble occuring, I just had to seek it out. She wasnt upstairs, she wasnt watching TV or cooking a mud pie in the kitchen. Panic (my old friend) started to set in. Then I heard her voice from outside.
"You can have a shell and a bow, or just a bow. But not a shell on its own."
Then an older ladies voice "so you have to buy a bow either way"
"Yes"
I walk over to the window to see what the hell is going on. Then take the scene all in.
Summer has woken up, god knows what time, has gotten her self dressed, and set up a stall outside in the front garden. She has 2 tables, one table has shells (collected on the beach last weekend) and a table of hand made bows (made of ripped paper) she is modelling one in her hair. There are also a couple of illegable signs and she is sat behind her stall waiting for passing trade in desperate need of shells and bows. When the coast is clear I rush outside.
"You cant ask people for money... Its not fair Summer...how much are you asking for? "
"Fifty,hundred and twenty pounds... for this bow"
I decide that this is harmless fun, entrepenurial fun. Which is a positive sign. A step up from when she offers people a dance for a pound. I leave her to it and get on with the morning chores.
I keep an eye on her and watch as the neighbours come back and forth to her stall and applaud them for giving Summer some of there time.
After a few hours I decide its getting to cold and its time to pack up the stall. I have a look at Summers stock. The bows have all but gone, and she now has double the shells as well as a collection of nautical themed figureins .
I am confused, I cant figure out where these new exotic shells and bits and bobs have come from. I ask Summer.
"Well you said not to take their money, so they paid me in shells and now I have all these and this boat and octopus...they gave me these for the bows, which is great because the bows are a bit rubbish really and now I can sell their shells and make some real monies"
The old dears of the street either got confused or were told straight by Summer ,had gone off and gathered there shells , collected from pension walks over the years and traded them with Summer for bows made of newspaper and closer magazine. Those who didnt have shells traded in glass octopus and wooden boats.
Summer is chuffed with her booty and has displayed her swag on her bedroom floor and it looks like Brighton Beach up there. I am secretly pleased, she is showing some business acumen. Maybe there is hope after all.

Day 41 - Cos every little things gonna be alright

Well part time dad managed 2 weeks before loosing her.
They went to Deptford before lunch (cos kids love Deptford), he dropped her at his mums around 4, his mum has called his sister (wise move), who took Summer to the park. I turned up to collect her around 6. She wasnt there. PT dads mum invites me in and we sit for 2hrs in the hope that Summer and her aunt turns up. Her phone is off so we wait and wait, and I sit in their kitchen with her husband- its like sitting in Desmonds barber shop. They cus and they fight eachother, I have a little flirt with grandad and listen to grandma moan about "dis useless man deh" they force feed me oxtail and dumplings and I moan about her son and they both agree that they never thought their little yardie beach boy would end up with a private schooled educated white girl, with a proper job and "what an idiat dam fool" I am for agreeing to go out with him all those years ago.(I agree) I could listen to them all night, moan,cus and gossip in the middle of august with the heating on, feeding me stew. There not bothered that no one has seen or heard from Summer and her aunt for the last four hours. "She safe man (insert kiss of teeth) relax" .They dont have the same paranoia that we have. They come from an island where children play out from dawn to dusk and were part time dad used to dive for lobster before going to primary school. Summer could swim at the age of 3 because she spent a month in Jamaica and swimming lessons consisted of chucking her in the sea off a fishing boat "she soon learn man". .. She did. So I believe them that Summer is fine with family, somewhere out there and I am told to go home and someone will bring her back or maybe not, maybe she will stay at her aunts. Its cool, she safe, go home relax, take this plate of oxtail too and go on u crazy white girl.
I do, I relax, think about my night of freedom as I wait for the bus. But then I see someone I recognise, she walks over with 2 big bags of shopping, alone...shit why is she alone? Why is part time dads sister here ...alone?

Day 40 - Irratant

So the 2hr train journey back from the farm was a treat.
I expected Summer and I to fall asleep with my only worry being to make sure I woke up at the right stop.
I dont know where she gets the energy from, maybe she has a reserve pack of AA she keeps in her afro. By all accounts she should have been sparko. But instead the moment she got on that train she turned into an ape. She clambered over seats, ran up and down the train, in and out of the toilets and got stuck in the doors between carriges. I kept telling her to sit still, but she didnt listen she went on a rampage like it was the Brixton riots. I felt awful for the childless couples who tried to move carraiges subtly without making eye contact.
I could feel my chest tighten each time she disobeyed me. I was literally going to die if she didnt stop, she would probably peck at my dead corpse and use my eyeballs as marbles. She kept on and on chatting, running,jumping, swinging,flashing,climbing till I snapped and screamed "STOP, STOP u little ...."
She looked at me, I looked back waiting for her next move. Her jaw dropped, her eyes welled she flung to the ground and started crying, not even normal tears but rather the sounds of an Italian mourning widow, wailing uncontrolably at the fun she has lost.
Oh fuck! Crying is more irratating than Summer being Irratating, and now I have to listen to it for 4 more stops.
By the time we get to the front door I am twitching all over. Summer is asleep in my arms. I have just carried her and the suitcase half a mile to our home.

Day 39 - Supernan

Since 7 this morning Summer has been begging me to take her swimming or to grandads farm. One involves £6.50 a long intimate shave of the legs and an embarassing squeeze into a swimsuit. The other comes in at £38.80 for a return train ticket, a combined 4hrs on a train and then 2 days knee deep in pigshit.
It takes a lot to get me into a swimsuit so I am here in pigshit having just collected 2 ducks from another farm that have just met Summer and shat in fear all over me. Summer understandably loves it here. I love it for 2 reasons, 1 she has acres of land to get lost in and 2, here resides nanny 'the child whisperer'. My dads girlfriend has a hypnotic power over Summer, she is everything I cannot muster the energy to be, strict and engaging. When we arrived nanny was out, so Summer could relax and be her typical self. Shouting at the pigs and trying to castrate the sheep. Then Summer smelled the air as nanny pulled into the driveway and instantly smartened up her act. When nanny is around she is angelic, she is all please and thank you's ,helpfull and a joy. The moment she's gone Summer flips her the finger and goes into hyper destruct mode. She has no boundries around my dad, she punches him, stamps on his feet and does whatever she pleases round the farm. But like jeykal and hyde as soon as nanny appears...butter wouldnt melt.
I often sit in ore and wonder what nannies magical power is. What spell is it that she casts that causes Summer to both fear and respect her.
Her magic lasts for about 3 days afterwards , so when Summer steps out of line, all I have to do is threaten to phone nanny.
I packed an extra weeks worth of clothes for Summer in case my dad enjoyed his time with Summer so much that they decided to keep her on a few more days. No such luck. 2 hrs after we arrived Dad was on the computer seeing what time the return train was coming.

Day 38 - The Office

Its 8 am, I'm getting ready for work, Summer is asleep. I trot downstairs ready to sneak out the door when I notice that Part time dad isnt on the couch. He isnt in my bed, he isnt in the loo. Hmmmmm
Call Part time dad who is probably at the shops quickly getting some milk. He better hurry up or I will miss my train, and we cant leave Summer in bed alone. He answers his phone: "where are you?"
"Bladclart,bumba,usain bolt,jerk chicken told you I wasnt able to have Summer today rastafari,rice n peas"
Shhhiiiiiitttttt.
Well I did not know that
What about work, my big meeting today.! I cant stay home with her, I cant get her to someone else in time or I miss the meeting.
Phone a friend (Lauren from work)
"Bring her in" she laughs hystericaly "yeah it will be fine" she laughs again, Lauren remembers the last time Summer came into the office.
Call the boss, I have never heard him so scared. "Children in the office prevents revenue" he too remembers when Summer came into the office.
So its decided then, she's coming into work. Lord help us, each and everyone of us.
The train ride in is spent laying down rules. Be good, dont speak, dont grab boobies, dont look at the men's magazine, do tell me if you need the toilet. She nods, but I know she isnt listening, she is in London now! She has hit the big time. There are 200 staff members on the second floor waiting for her arrival. They're locking away valubles, hiding laptops and permenant markers, grown men cry openly at their desks. At first thankfully its uneventful, she is sat behind me on a bank of desks of new recruits who have never met her before. We keep her occupied with pritt stick, paper scissors and a pile of old magazines, then some genius gives her a tub of glitter. The brand directors desk she is sitting on looks like fairyies have had a rave up, there is glitter everywhere including his suit jacket, soon after, members of staff are walking round blissfully unaware that they have glitter in there hair,keyboards and orrifices.
Next is the big meeting, i cant take her so she is left in the hands of two collegues who are given strict instructions, only feed her fruit,no sweets, check for toilet breaks and if she runs out of glitter let her play star dolls on the computer. At some point during my meeting, there was trouble back at the ranch.
I came back to find her face down in a tub of haribo as my collegues told me they couldnt get stardolls to work. Summer on sweets before midday is like feeding a gremlin after dark.
Heres the result.
1- lunch with lauren from work resulted in Summer dancing erotically whilst suggestively licking a lettuce leaf
2- shouting mummy on repeat whilst I was trying to negotiate a deal.
3- watching rastamouse and screaming in patois
4-telling one director that another director wants to fight him
5- punching David hard in the nuts for kissing me on the cheek
6- telling my boss how Part Time dad fights her and is always at the pub
7-slapping people on the back of the head whilst they are on the phone
8- going for ciggerette breaks with the girls
9- demanding the man who"s last day it is contribute to his own collection
10- stealing from the collection

Iam tired, very tired, i would like to thank Hannah, Stef and Lauren for watching her and keeping her away from matches. I find out Monday if I still have a job!

Day 37 - I am Mum

"Mum, mum,mummy,mum,mum,ma ma"
Huh? Oh yeah she means me.
I had one of those moments today when I realised 'I am a mum'. I looked at this girl calling me mum (on repeat)but I still feel like I'm 18 so she can't be referring to me. Wow where did this come from? Did I actually use to have sex with PT dad?
I first felt like this after I gave birth. After the docs knocked me out for an emergency C-section (Summer was trouble before she took her first breath) the first thing I asked for when I came round was "more drugs" then "big Mac and fries" then my mum suggested I might like to see my baby first.
Huh baby? Wooooahhhhh yh sure Ok. They plopped her on me and I looked at her hairy face and squashed nose. What do I do? What am I supposed to feel? Everyone had a tear in there eye and was cooing at us, so I mimiced their emotions.
I'm ashamed to say I just didnt feel much, I was a fraud, and Summer could see right through me. Soon everyone left (Part time dad was still yet to arrive!) And I was alone, with this baby no instruction book. She looked at me, I looked at her. I even checked her wrist band to see if she was really mine.
She slept I slept, she cried, I cried until a cleaning lady found us screaming at eachother at 6 in the morning. This big nigerian lady picked Summer up and gave me a tissue.
"You fed her yet lady?" She said...well no I hadnt, she was born after dinner time and It wasnt quite breakfast....
"Tsk your mummy is stupid...Suma" and with that Big Momma grabbed my boob, "Feed her!" She snapped. This wasnt how I pictured my first girl on girl action. my boob in a 50 yr old nigerian womans hand and Summer squirming to get away from both of us. She wouldnt latch on, and besides I had no milk. Epic Mummy fail.
I cried again, Summer cried.
"You cant cry mummy, fix up yourself, you are her mother find a way to feed your child, she cant live without you mummy, tsk smarten up yourself"
She gave Summer a wink and walked out. With just the 2 of us I persisted with the breastfeeding to no avail. Hour apon hour was spent willing milk to come. Nothing. So I sobbed myself to sleep. When I woke up I heard the sound of Summer gurgling and the cleaner now out of her work clothes was bottle feeding Summer. "Hello mummy, this is how you feed your baby until your tities start working...you see your baby is happy, sometimes mummies take short cuts... And you will need to cos this baby Summa is trouble, I'm going now, I need to feed my own babies its over to you mummy"
My milk never came, the feelings did a little later, but sometimes I feel like I have been baby sitting for a really long time. And that someone mature enough might come and claim her. ( I reckon I am due over £100k in fees) Until then, I am happy enough to play mummy, even if sometimes I need reminding to fix up. Now Summer does that instead of the hospital cleaning lady.