Day 75....Humpty Dumpty

I couldn't wait for lunch time today, I was soooo hungry my tummy was making those gurgling drain noises. I had it all planned out. Lunch from the work canteen and catch up on the weeks TV that I missed. My lunchtimes are my moments of bliss.

Everything was going to plan. The Mindy Project was on my computer ready to press play. My canteen fish and chips were steaming,smothered in tartar sauce and I couldn't have been happier.

And then I got the call.

''Its the school, Summers had an accident.....'' They never say that, they're supposed to say ''It;s the school don't worry Summers fine we just need to talk to you she's molested the caretaker....''
why wasn't she saying everything was fine?

''We've called an ambulance , she's had a fall and were quite concerned can you or someone get here as soon as possible''

This type of stuff doesn't happen to us, this was brand new territory. I have played these situations out in my mind before, I'd have done something like start crying and shaking, dramatically ran out of the office crying my baby my baby!!

what I actually did was ponder for a few seconds about whether I could finish my fish and chips. No lie. I actually thought about eating my lunch then heading off - I'd be useless in a crisis if I was hungry right?

I ended up stuffing the carton into my bag and eating it with my hands as I waited for the train to come and take me out of London.

I am clearly not right in the head.

The school called again
''the ambulance was there and an emergency response car, she'd passed out and they were having trouble keeping her awake, she'd been sick and wasn't talking''

It's then that panic really set in - the school were desperate for me to get there, I was still 40 mins away and I then realised how very alone Summer and I actually are, There's no family close by, no one who could have been with Summer until I got there. No one to hold my hand if things went wrong, my only comfort on the train was messaging with a friend in New York!
The call from school seemed so desperate - I thought maybe they weren't telling me the full picture.

I started thinking the worst, I spent all these years battling Summer, hiding from her, rolling my eyes at her, herbally sedating her.  What if this was it, what would my life be without her in it - yeah sure I'd fantasised about it. But the reality of it was heart breaking.

I don't remember getting to the hospital - just that first moment I saw her. In a neck brace on a spinal board strapped down. I felt like I was going to faint!
As soon as she heard me she cried and the doctors were telling her not to move but she wanted to see me - I couldn't get close enough to see her so just rubbed her foot. Nurses and doctors were in the room cutting the sticky tap off her head, slowly realising her from the board.
''on three we roll her on to the left, 1...2....3..roll!'' doctors checked her spine and neck.
Summer was grey with sick down her top. Jesus.
The doctors did all sorts of tests and Summer was so brave answering their questions through the tears.

Then she farted.

And that was the moment I knew she would be fine.

When the doctors left the room to check the x-ray Summer was OK enough to turn and talk to me.

''If I tell you something , you promise to keep it a secret'' she said
''I had 13 puddings at lunch, the dinner lady said we could have extras because they'd only have to throw it away, so I was running up to grab number 14 when I fell''

You see, what had actually happened was Summer had embarked on a competitive pudding eating competition with some friends and she was in the lead by one pudding cup. She ran to the canteen for number 14 but slipped on some soggy chips and fell back wards smashing her head onto a table.
She was sick because she had eaten 13 pots of ice cream, which then made her tired - so whilst they were waiting for the ambulance she decided it was best to have a little nap, and was actually quite annoyed that the PE teacher kept slapping her about the chops to wake her up.

''They said I couldn't move mummy! so what else was I supposed to do - I was tired and full''

The school obviously took this a concussion.

I could have totally eaten my fish and chips and caught up on the Mindy Project.

My dad made the 2hr journey up and came to collect us from the hospital a few hours later after the all clear from the doctors.
I decided to go to the shops and buy some cake - my dad had asked me to pick him up some vodka , to settle his nerves he said (issues)
No sooner had I stepped into Waitrose and grabbed a bottle of Smirnoff did I bump into a teacher from Summers school.
The last she saw of my daughter was passed out on the hall floor in the recovery position and here her mother was a few hours later clutching a bottle of vodka. We then embarked on a polite conversation about how Summer was as she eyed the bottle and judged me.

Awkward doesn't even cover it

I should have stayed and had my fish and chips.

Day 74 - Fairy

She woke me up yesterday – that never happens

She creepily snuck into my room and stared at me silently.

‘what’s wrong’? I asked

As soon as I said those words her face crumpled up and she started to cry.

‘I left it under my pillow and she didn't commmmmeee wahhhh waahhh’’  erggh  Monday mornings should never start this way.

I had no clue what she was on about or why she was so upset. She had something held tight in her hand  that I made her un-clench.

A molar – a big old nasty molar.  

Then I started putting the pieces of the jigsaw together. Her tooth must have fallen out and she put it under her pillow for the tooth fairy – who obviously didn't come. Jesus what happened to getting a head up!

‘why didn't you tell me? ‘’ I marveled at how she had managed to keep the excitement of losing her first molar all to herself since yesterday.

‘’It fell out at school, I wanted to  test to see if the tooth fairy was just you’’

I am always still so surprised that Summer still believes in Fairies, Santa , Easter Bunny ….her dad.

As you can imagine I haven’t been the most consistent over the years at keeping these magical mysteries alive.

There was the Easter when I completely forgot  which day you gave the eggs– by the time I remembered (on the Sunday) Tesco Express had sold out. So I simply didn't tell Summer it was Easter.

Then there was the following Easter where I’d slept in and forgot to lay out the eggs and only realized when Summer sat crying in the living room – I quickly dropped the bag of eggs out of my bedroom window to strategically land on the front door step, and then listen as Summer cried over a batch of broken Easter Eggs.

Many a Christmas had gone by with Summer finding her presents , or walking in on me wrapping them. The tooth fairy though  was probably my biggest parent nemesis. She'd lost 11 teeth so far and I could safely say the tooth fairy has  done her job properly about 5 times, the rest have been huge let downs, IOU notes, foreign money, a bar of 80% dark Green&Blacks, .

So no wonder Summer had chosen to test me and the tooth fairy ...... she was devastated, inconsolable that she hadn't come. I tried to give her explanations

‘Maybe they don’t like molars’’

‘’Maybe it was too windy for them to fly’’

‘’Maybe if you didn't sleep on the landing they’d know where to go’’

As she walked into school head held low – I vowed to try and keep these magical moments alive for as long as I could, The fairy would come that night.

So that night we tried again for the tooth fairy. Summer wrapped her tooth, stuck it under the pillow and I waited for her to go to sleep.

I totally fell asleep too – but by the grace of god at 4am I had a terrible wind induced stomach cramp and I was awake frantically searching the house for  something decent to stick under her pillow.  With no other option than a £20 note I snuck upstairs and placed the money under her pillow – having every intention to ‘borrow’ the money back off her in the morning.

The next day I woke up feeling relieved that I had done the decent thing for once – and Summer seemed happy too.

She was excited and nervous wondering what the tooth fairy had left her and wanted me to go look with her.  I fiend excitement too and made a dramatic act out of lifting the pillow.

I lifted one

I lifted two pillows

I searched a teddy bear

‘OHHHHHHHHHHH noooooooooo     wahhhhhwahhhhhh’ Summer cried

I moved the bed , looked under it…..where the heck was the £20 note!!!  

All that was under her pillow was her dirty molar!....crap I’d forgotten to take the tooth when putting the money down

Summer was in tears, devastated once more that she had been stood up.

I was completely baffled – where had his money gone. Was it all a dream, had someone sneaked into her room and took it….the cat maybe.

I was tearing apart her room, turning it upside down looking for my £20.

‘’Oh well’’ said Summer, who had seemed to have straightened herself out ‘’I guess we could try again tonight and see if she comes with something ‘’

She had the money – the devious cow had the money – and she knew that I couldn't say anything about  it because I wasn't the tooth fairy and I wasn't meant to know.

I knew that she knew, but we both couldn't say that we knew ………

This is war!

Day 73 ..... Little White Lies

'' We were a bit concerned last week after Summer mentioned something about home''

I am sat in the parent liaison officers room at Summers school.....Again

I feel numb, I cant believe I am here . again after so long and so quickly into the school year. I left Summer nervously in the reception area, she's as white as a sheet.
We were called 48hrs ago to come in and 'discuss some issues' which they couldn't explain over the phone. Never a good sign, So I had 48hrs to grill Summer. Try and get some answers so I could prepare myself.

When I asked her on Wednesday she couldn't think what it could be - I wanted to tie her to a chair in a dark room with a spotlight beaming on her whilst I blew cigarette  smoke in her face and showed her pictures of her toys - that she'd never see again unless she spoke.

I reeled off some possibilities

- Something you saw on the laptop?
- Something you saw in my bedside draw
- If I say the word Lube what does that mean to you?
- Something you did to the cat....hamster??

But nothing gave me even a glimmer of insight into what she had said at school. I went in unprepared.

Her teacher was with the Parent Liaison Officer - he looked really nervous, as if he'd been told all sorts of horror stories about me (Summers 'file' must be bigger than the Magna Carter).

''We were doing circle time - it's where we discuss our thoughts and feeling'' ohhhhh shit.
''we were discussing what made us sad and angry'' ohhhhhhh shit
''she said it makes her angry when... '' he looks so nervous - Jesus what has she said!!!
''well, you see, she said she gets upset that she has to sleep on the landing''

a deathly silence falls over the office.

and then I just burst uncontrollably into hysterics '' are you kidding me?????!!!!''

The teacher starts to giggle with me - he realizes this is silly , but he gets shot down by a searing look for the Parent Liaison Officer (stupid job title). Back to deathly silence.

''you don't believe her do you - you don't believe she has to sleep on the landing?''

I cant believe I have not slept in 48hrs because of this - I cant believe Summer has come up with this!

Then I remembered last week - the night before I went \away to Germany with the girls for a few days. The house was packed so I asked Summer to sleep on the sofa. She refused and threw a huge tantrum and set up camp on the landing - this is where the monsters cant reach her apparently. After an hour when she didn't get bored and give up I made her go downstairs to the sofa. She said she'd make me pay for this .... and she did.

Day 72 ....Read between the lines

You have to look at the benefits of your child having a learning difficulty like Summer does. There are some real advantages of having an illiterate 8 year old.

For example when it all gets a little too much you can write ‘’ When will this end!!’’ in your own blood on the kitchen wall and she is completely oblivious and unharmed by your outburst.

You can leave your phone unlocked, highlight key paragraphs in 50 Shades of Grey and watch Geordie Shore on mute with the subtitles on.

I resigned myself to the fact that Summer may never know what it is like to read a great book or text her friends at 100mph. But she had other skills that we could develop to get her places, and besides those shelves in Tesco’s don’t stack themselves!

But Summer was catching on that she was missing out.  I’d get a dirty text come through and laugh so loud that she’d want me to read it, or there would be an evil note pinned to the fridge for part-time dad ‘Go Jerk yourself back to Jamaica you C@*t’

She’d demand I read her everything – like I was her sight dog. 

I developed a real knack of thinking on my feet. 

‘ohhh that’s just a note for daddy telling him how much I love him and not to forget the milk’’

But she knew I was deceiving her.

So over the year she’d try and read everything, anywhere, any place. She’d be breaking down phonics at bus stops. Tackling sentences from TV ad breaks like that stammering kid off Educating Yorkshire, ‘’whore, whore whore whore ssssssss whore ssssss eeeeeee HORSE!!!!’

 She was determined to read. She was just not getting anywhere with it. Teachers said one day she’d just click. But it wasn't happening, her peers where coming home with huge chapter books and Summer was still entertaining Biff and CH Ch Ch Ch iiiiiiiiiii ppppppp books.  

I felt for her, because I had the same issues as a kid, as anyone who has read this blog more than once will realize I am dyslexic, but I had a mum who was a teacher and who could give me the time and patience I needed. Summer and I can’t read a book together without one of us feeling the need to knock back a shot and light up a fag.

So I left her to it – late at night with a torch under her sheets trying to read a Haynes mechanics manual from 1976. ‘Shhh shhh aaaaa fffff shhhh aaaaffffttt, shaft ,shaft BREAK SHAFT!’’

This went on and on well into the early hours, for weeks and months. My little stuttering, Tourette’s offspring next door in her room determined to read anything andeverything she could lay her hands on.

Things gradually improved for her, she got quicker and slicker with her reading.

Then one night … well it just clicked

‘’P P P Paul*, L L LLL Luke*, J JH JO JOH  John*’’ is she reading the bible again? Was she going to make me listen to all the disciples’ names? bloody salvation army!

Then I heard ‘’7 out of ten, 8 out of ten, 2 out of ten’’ (She’s better with numbers)  

She kept reading

‘’ furrr furrr first time weeeeeee d-i-d it’’ 

‘’Arr arrrms of a God t tttongue offff a…… th fir th thirsty dog’’

What the hell??

‘’so ggoooood I can’t wa walllk st str straii straight’’

Huh? This isn't the manual book

‘’H heeee wanted a t ttt iiiiii tit waaaa waaaann…..’’’

HOLY JESUS MOTHER OF CHRIST!

SHE’S FOUND MY SHAG LIST!!!!

*Names have been changed to protect those involved

Thanks for the huge warm welcome back, remember to comment below on the blog and share. 

Day 71 : Guess who's back...

It’s been a while hasn’t it? I’m sorry I ever left you; I didn’t want to ….but she made me.
 You see my little blog was going somewhere, people liked my funny little stories and word was spreading. 365 Days of Summer had gone international. I had a following in France! New Zealand!! Blackpool!!!!!!

People, important people wanted more, made me promises that if I just finished the blog – got to day 365 we could work with you. An E-Book, a book, a show one day! – Just keep writing.

And I’m thinking….’this is it’! This is my happy ending because the years of battling, the guilt, the social services calls, the cock blocking and judgment I have endured for being Summer’s mother would finally pay off – just keep writing and finish the blog.

 And so I sat and waited for Summer to be Summer, because every day she gives me a nugget to write about, every day there was an inappropriate comment, a ‘situation with your child again Ms R’ from school, an eye roll from the public – my muse always gives me something.

 So I waited

 And waited…… and she looked back at me blankly, sat quietly with a smug half smile on her face. I could almost hear her say ‘’I’m not your performing seal mummy, this…. what we have here…this will play out just the way I want it to ''

And she gave me sweet F.A.,nada, zilch, NOTHING!
 I couldn't finish the blog – I had nothing to work with.

 For 18 months she kept it up – even going as far as joining the local Salvation Army!
 And I just couldn't write any more and all my hopes and dreams were crushed once more by Summer.

That is until last week she gave me a slither to work with.
 ‘ohhhh this is nice, strawberry’’ I heard her lip smacking in my room whilst I was enjoying a harassment free shit in the loo.
‘’mmmm mummy can I have it all’’ she asked.

 ‘’yeah’’ I said annoyed that she found the Haribo.

 I flush, I walk in to see her watching CBBC sat on the edge of my bed, the bed side draw pulled out, sucking on a sample packet of strawberry lube. ‘’ this is nice mum, where did you get it? Can I have the blackcurrant one?’’

 And I’m so happy – so overjoyed that my little muse is back that I even suggest we knock up some rice pudding and use it as Jam.

Day 70 - And there he was

So there he was, 8 years later buying a pack of fags in my local newsagents, looking just as ruggedly perfect as he did all those years ago when he had me pinned up against a sweaty club wall.
8 years ago he was an up and coming DJ and producer (just like all the boys were 8 years ago), and after three weeks of bunk ups and parties I grew tired of his lifestyle and moved on to the next party and bunk up...so was my life for a while before Summer.
Separated from part-time dad (who was then just called Part-time boyfriend) I was a size 12, tanned, blonde with money in my pocket living every day like it was the weekend, only seeing the sunset bleary eyed from a London club car park, gurning my face off.
Over the 8yrs , I'd watched (only semi-stalkingley) him make it big (ish) to now, with his own radio show and music videos that get teenage girls up and down the land wet.
And there he is .....waiting for his change and fags.
And shit here I am .....5 stone heavier, dressed like a goth, greasey hair staring at him open mouthed clutching 3 bags of skips.
Ohhhh where do I hide where do I go .... Do I say hi, do I act cool?, no.....hide .....hide. This is not the image I want him to have of me. The awkward conversation, the look of regret, I'd say something stupid, he'd give me a sympathetic tap on the arm.
I turn in circles looking for a hiding place, my fat arse shuddering a stack of wine gums. I sneak behind him and take cover behind multi pack boxes of Mc Coys, the shopkeepers nervously eyeing me up.
"Mum!"
Ohhh fuck...Summer....forgot she was here.....oh I hope he doesn't think it's his! Ohhhhhhh I need to hide her too now.

"ssssshhhhh" I call her over to my hiding point.
He spots her bounding towards me...his eyes following the fluffy head monster and he smiles at her, Summer recognising him from his instagram feeds i show her constantly, she smiles back as she hurtles towards me.
"Mum isn't that man ......."
Bang
Straight into the fucking crisp boxes that tipple me over.
And there I am ,8 yrs later, 5 stone heavier, dressed like a greasy goth, spread eagle on the floor surrounded by 100 packets of Mc Coys as my daughter laughs so hard she starts farting and wetting herself at the same time as the shopkeeper shouts at me in Bengali .
And there he is offering me a hand , staring into my eyes, smelling the same as he did 8 yrs ago.... The faint look of recognition on his face...he's processing me......looking into my soul..... I'm smiling up at him "I know you don't I ?" he says ?........ Yes! Yes you do and yes ....yes I will ..... Yes, yes she could be yours if you squint and don't ask for a DNA test...yes,yes,yes............ "your one of cleaners at the studio aren't you ? " ......... And there he goes, into his tinted windowed prestige Mercedes having been given a bad Hispanic accent by me pretending to be Rosa.

Day 69 - it's a hard knock life

It's rare that I get the opportunity to get Summer from school, part of this is due to my working hours the other part is due to the stares of the other mums in the playground .....the whispers "ohhhh that's Summers mum" and that the last time I saw the head we both threatened to sue each other over where Summer learned the word 'lesbian' both of us denied responsibility so a small claims court seemed the ideal way to resolve things at the time.
Every time I'm at the school there seems to be some undesirable feedback I get from my child's day. Last Monday  I picked her up from after school club, not too concerned as these people only have her for 2 hrs a day and they seem to really like her.
As I waited for Summer to finish her game and collect her bag, one of the team came over to say how well Summer had behaved. I tried to hide my shock and said that I too felt she had  matured somewhat over the year.
"she.s a real character though isn't she" ohhhhh here it comes - a real character means, a real handful, a real nightmare .......a real little shit!
"she tells some fabulous stories....she had us all engrossed ".......shit, "Summer hurry up, get your coat" I don't want to stick around for this...
"such an imagination, she was telling the whole room that she sleeps in the cupboard each night, the kids where listening open mouthed"
"Oh you know kids, active minds! .....Summer put that boy down,get your coat,we are off""I said
"it's just the detail you know....the kids were asking her questions , like how to you stay warm, and quick as a flash she answered, she said , I cuddle up to my dog and he keeps me warm.....well when she said that my heart just broke" she says giving me this concerned look . Shit i think this woman actually believes her.
" kids hey!" come on summer move it!
"it's just that they can also be sooooo honest , and you know there are some families where kids don't have a bed of there own , and if only they asked a friend or someone to help they may get a bed donated you know...." oh shit, please stop woman please. I'm so uncomfortable right now , and not just because Summer is giving me a wedgie.
" I don't want to intrude but you can try free cycle , people give away free furniture all the time"
" she has a bed" I cut her off and start to drag Summer to the car
"it's free cycle.com, my husband has a van" she yells after me

Securely in the car I take a deep breath.
"why Summer? Why! Why did you tell everyone u sleep in the cupboard with the dog"
She looks genuinely embarrassed - both of us red faced hanging our heads in shame in the car.

" we need to move house mummy , I told everyone else we have a swimming pool and water slide too. Now everyone wants to come over"

There is no continuity to her lies, bedless but with a bespoke swimming pool!

So tonight I'll make he dreams come true and make her sleep in the cupboard with the smelly dog and maybe she'll wake up to a pool, a pool of the old incontinent dogs piss.